8 ways to still have Funerals and Memorials during COVID-19

If you’re unable to hold a funeral for your loved one, or if attendance is limited to immediate family, you do have options:

1. IF your State or Country permits, You can have a private viewing for only immediate family and/or close friends in shifts – example 4 people in, 4 people out, different 4 people in etc etc
2. Regardless of whether you choose burial or cremation, postpone the service. As a celebrant, Memorial Maker and event planner I have seen plenty of services where the body was either not present at all or a cremated form was present. More info on this here
3. Ask the funeral director/home if they can perform the service but webcast/stream/record it to be viewed online at home. More info on this here
4. Have 2-3 members of your family (again if permitted) to attend a viewing of your loved one and/or hold a service with the body in your place – again this can be recorded or streamed online.
5. Print pictures and put in a memorial book and include notes. As of right now, the postal service is still open and active in most countries so once complete, send to each member of your family and have them do the same (each recipient should wipe down the book). In lieu of a book, you could write a letter about your memories and invite them to reply with memories of their own. This is also something you can do virtually via email and print professionally once all this is over. If you like you can even create a list of questions for each household to answer. See here.
6. Create an online memorial or virtual funeral – this can be done easily on Facebook or creating a website. Most people create wedding websites to share memories, photos and invites – the same applies to a funeral. If the person had a Facebook profile – this can be easily altered to become an online memorial for the deceased
7. Being born Irish, we often gather for wakes in homes or at pubs, restaurants, and bars after the funeral – this ritual can still happen online – use Zoom or Google Hangout Apps to have an online toast and memory gathering and storytelling virtual wake. If you reach out to your local religious leader or the funeral home might even be able to connect you with someone who might say some words also if this is something you would like. This can also include music – have a niece or nephew or grandchild play and sing during the ‘meeting’. Perhaps you make this a weekly or regular meeting and catch up.
8. Ask (via email, phone, video, text etc) for everyone who would have attended the funeral to light a candle or say a prayer/quote/poem or sing/play a song or watch a movie or drink something or similar that represents your loved one at exactly the same time – maybe again associated to them – my birthday is 13^th of June so maybe a 6:13am or pm. 

 As you can imagine, not having the opportunity to hold a traditional funeral or memorial service can be very difficult for anyone. I personally believe we benefit from gathering and remembering our loved ones. I believe in the funeral service as a part of the grief journey. Be kind, support where and when you can but also take this time to take care of yourself.

See here for self-care tips

COVID-19 and Funerals 2020

 Last week, a video posted by the media outlet Corriere Della Sera showed a convoy of military trucks transporting around 60 coffins from the overwhelmed morgues of Bergamo, Italy to cremation sites in other towns. New York, where I currently reside has become the ‘new’ Bergamo. Fuck.

I work in Manhattan mostly, in the funeral industry, and things are not good. Currently, the concern about funerals is not that the bodies of the people who die from COVID-19 will transmit the virus as The Center for Disease Control says there is “currently no known risk associated with being in the same room at a funeral or visitation service with the body of someone who died of COVID-19,”. The problem is with LIVING people. CDC advises against kissing, washing, shrouding or any form of intimate contact with dead bodies. This is where I come in with…not dead bodies but SOMEbody - aka - Johnny’s mom, Anna’s uncle, Bob’s granny, Jane’s sister. These bodies are all or at least WERE someBODY to someone.

When COVID-19 kicked off here in the US I had my first little panic attack – what if my mom or dad or any of the people I love, were dying of this horrid virus and all I could do was Facetime them? It set me off, in public. Not pretty. I have already heard stories of people whose loved ones were dying and quarantined without so much as a handhold or a human touch before they died. Hospice care workers will frequently talk of how dying patients yearn to be touched, lovingly held or hugged in some form of comfort in their last hours or days and now we can’t even begin to offer that. Then to build on that incredible pain, once granny has passed away, we cannot even turn and comfort each other physically. No hand-holding, hugging, kissing, connection making.

The most isolated and alone time in the world suddenly thrown into gargantuan depths where your defiance of the rules could lead to more loss and heartbreak so to save a soul you must crush your own. And keep it crushed because once it comes to the funeral services, everything will be online or over the phone and more business and transactional than ever before. This is not because funeral staff have no souls or are money-grabbing grim reapers as the public so often likes to portray but rather because they too are trying to save the lives of their families, and yours. 

Funeral homes see the value, as all medical professionals do, in the act of physical distance. The funeral home is as committed as ever to helping families honour their loved ones in true, safe, meaningful ways. The funeral professionals themselves are risking their own safety every day as they complete the ‘essential work’ to keep countries moving. (see attached article for COVID-19 ways to have a ‘funeral/memorial’)

It is unprecedented times and those who are still working are doing their best to keep us safe and our loved ones out of the morgues and we can show our appreciation by not being idiotic and ‘chancing it’ by travelling or meeting in groups. Stay at home and do your part and save Johnny’s mom, Anna’s uncle, Bob’s granny, Jane’s sister and the rest.

Please and thanks.

A Loved one's List

What is your favourite memory of___________________

In your mind. What was their.....

Favourite book -
Favourite musician –
Favourite author -
Favourite colour -
Favourite food -
Favourite drink -
Favourite Places Visited/Lived -
Favourite sport –
Favourite Tv Show -

What were their life.....
Achievements:-
Hobbies -
Employment(s) -

Were they members of any Clubs -

Lastly, WHY them? What made them so special to you and those who surrounded them?

Legal Ireland

Almost half of the population in Ireland dies intestate, which means without making a will. More than likely they assumed a will did not matter or that their parents, children or siblings

automatically would inherit their possessions.

This is a common misunderstanding and, unfortunately, is not always the case. When someone dies, all of their possessions, finances, and property are brought together, debts are paid off and the remainder is distributed as specified in the will. The deceased’s partner (spouse or civil partner) has certain legal entitlements that cannot be altered, regardless of what is detailed in the will.

If someone has died testate, which means they have made a will, their possessions and property will be distributed as they dictated. If they have failed to elect an executor, an administrator will have to be nominated, typically a solicitor or the next-of-kin.

If there is a will and an executor has been appointed, then the executor will deal with the estate. This means that the executor distributes the estate in accordance with the will and the law and also ensures that the partner (spouse or civil partner) is aware of their right to a legal right share.

The law governing the distribution of the deceased person’s possessions applies when the deceased died Intestate or the will has been denied probate because it has not been made properly or a challenge to it has been successful. To ensure that you have completed a legally binding and

correct will, use a reputable solicitor.

If a will has been denied probate because it has not been made properly or a challenge to it has been successful then the deceased’s estate (their possessions) will be distributed in the following way:

• If the deceased died with a living partner but no children, their partner will get the entire estate;
• If the deceased had a partner and children, their partner gets two-thirds of the estate and the remaining one-third is divided equally among their children; If the deceased had children but no partner, the estate is divided equally among their children;
• If the deceased had no children or partner, then the estate is given, equally, to any living parent of the
• deceased; Where there is no children, partner or parents, the estate is divided, equally, amongst any surviving siblings of the deceased;
• Where there is no children, partner, parents or siblings, the estate will be divided, equally, amongst whoever are the closest relatives at the time of death;
• Unfortunately, if there are no surviving relatives at all, the estate goes to the State. In the case of a cohabiting couple, the deceased’s partner has no legal rights to the estate, although under the Civil Partnership and Certain Rights and Obligations of Cohabitants Act, 2010, a qualified cohabitant may apply for provision from the estate of a deceased cohabitant.
• Speak with your solicitor about any unresolved issues, disputes, questions or queries you may have concerning a loved one’s estate. You will find additional legal information in the Citizens Information Board free booklet, Bereavement.

Oxygen, massage and puppies have got what to do with funerals?!

With over 28 miles of shoreline and more than 2,000 hot dog stands, Chicago was an interesting choice for this year's US National Funeral Directors Association. 

An oxygen bar, massage station and even a puppy parlor made for an enjoyable experience for funeral professionals from all over the globes to convene. One could spend an entire day on the expo floor checking out all the freebies, albeit these were offerings from the exhibitors and not the NFDA Convention itself who, in previous years, held cocktail hours, free lunches and handed out free knick-knacks at every turn. This year beer and pretzels with cheese dip, free wine, and cheese tastings and the famous Garrett Popcorn were offered as an enticement into booths. I personally do think these ‘gimmicks’ work but they need to be thought through. We went up to one exhibit and pulled at a Fortune Wheel to win a cruise (which plot twist..we didn’t win!) and we walked away not having any idea what the brand or business was. Now I also cannot stand the pouncing on you the second you browse past a booth. A colleague and I were unfortunate enough to pause for a catch up beside a gentleman’s booth and he promptly interrupted us without apology and even when we tried to continue our conversation after politely answering him, he plundered on with his sales pitch. Finding the balance is key.

The most popular booth by far at the show was Pause for Paws who provided cuddles and snuggles with therapy dogs. Ultimate Canine is an award-winning, internationally recognized company that provided therapy dogs, service dogs and family dogs to people all across America. 

So aside from eating my weight in deep dish Chicago style pizza, I was there to learn. One of my favorite moments, other than listening to the fabulous and incredibly motivational Seth Godin speak, was the video featuring a number of funeral directors talking about the aftermath of topics we sadly see all too often in the media these days - mass shootings and terrorism. Not something even I had considered or dealt with but a very real reality when a community is shaken to its very core. Check out the NFDA Instagram page to see the video.

Another great takeaway was the NFDA initiative of ‘Remembering A Life’ self-care box which contains a carefully curated collection of items to help a grieving individual find relaxation, reflection and remembrance following the death of a loved one. Containing a grief journal, memory jar, a candle, an oil roller, rose quartz stone, water bottle, and dragonfly keyring. While it definitely won’t be for everyone and I know some people may even find offense in some of the contents, I do think a care box is a lovely addition for a funeral home to give to grieving clients they think would appreciate its contents. Remembering a Life is online and a quick Google search will bring any funeral director worldwide to its wide and varied content. Worth a quick search!  

Reimagine the end of your life will you?

You are going to die. I am, too, and the thought of our inevitable demise is scary and unsettling. But, what if we were regularly encouraged to reflect on why we’re here, prepare for a time when we won’t be?

Reimagine End of Life, a festival that happens twice a year in the US - in NYC and San Fransisco, is doing exactly that with annual “death festivals” that inspire a community-wide exploration of death and celebration of life. The response to these weeklong gatherings has been tremendous with more than 20,000 people participating in 500 plus events presented by 300 plus collaborators in both locations in 2018. The organizers want to take the topic of death and dying out of the shadows through the mediums of art, music, comedy, and conversation.

The latest death festival took place in San Fransisco during the last week in October. Over 10 Days there were 250 Events, 52 Interactive Rituals, 24 Food Experiences, Comedy Shows and all with ONE Universal Topic. Venues include a variety of community centers, art galleries, churches, temples, parks, bars, concert venues, and even The Walt Disney Museum.

Previous Reimagine headliners have included Oscar winners Frances McDormand, ‘Coco’ director Lee Unkrich, The New Yorker cartoonist Roz Chast and National Poet Laureate Tracy K. Smith

The New Green Burial takes on a whole new concept!

Gas-fueled cremations and toxic burials in cemeteries are currently the only options available to Irish Funeral Directors and their clientele. But this will not forever remain the only ways we care for our dead. We all know this and there are so many options currently in prototype build, in pilot mode or a simple idea in someone’s head. So how might deceased people’s bodies be attended to, honoured, and better utilized in the future? Enter Katrina Spade from Washington State in the USA, the designer/entrepreneur behind the Recompose project.

Katrina Spade invented a system to transform a dead body into the soil while earning her Masters of Architecture. After years testing the concept, the Recompose project won the approval of Washington state’s legislature.

So what exactly is the Recompose project and what happens to the body? The unclothed body is placed into a cylinder vessel on a bed of a blend of woodchips, wet alfalfa and straw. The temperature of the body naturally rises over the course of a month and the vessel is aerated with oxygen. After one month, all that remains is soil.  The soil will be regulated as with current cremains.

While I believe it will be met with questions and I am sure Katrina has a fight ahead of her to get people comfortable with the idea, as, with all new ideas, it will be in the educating of the idea. It is certainly a fascinating conversation of how nature’s principles might be harnessed to more efficiently return deceased bodies to the earth, sequestering carbon and improving soil health.