Reimagine the end of your life will you?

You are going to die. I am, too, and the thought of our inevitable demise is scary and unsettling. But, what if we were regularly encouraged to reflect on why we’re here, prepare for a time when we won’t be?

Reimagine End of Life, a festival that happens twice a year in the US - in NYC and San Fransisco, is doing exactly that with annual “death festivals” that inspire a community-wide exploration of death and celebration of life. The response to these weeklong gatherings has been tremendous with more than 20,000 people participating in 500 plus events presented by 300 plus collaborators in both locations in 2018. The organizers want to take the topic of death and dying out of the shadows through the mediums of art, music, comedy, and conversation.

The latest death festival took place in San Fransisco during the last week in October. Over 10 Days there were 250 Events, 52 Interactive Rituals, 24 Food Experiences, Comedy Shows and all with ONE Universal Topic. Venues include a variety of community centers, art galleries, churches, temples, parks, bars, concert venues, and even The Walt Disney Museum.

Previous Reimagine headliners have included Oscar winners Frances McDormand, ‘Coco’ director Lee Unkrich, The New Yorker cartoonist Roz Chast and National Poet Laureate Tracy K. Smith

ICCFA 2019

The ICCFA 2019 took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A pretty bland city, clean and efficient city but lacking character for me, Each year when I attend these events I am very focussed on what's new, what's gonna change, what's different and most years I have found seriously interesting stuff to report on. This year, I found the convention quiet and boring.

I did have to dig a little deeper to find something new and different to tell you about and what I did find definitely peaked my interest and will for you too I know, especially because rumour (and the Meath Chronicle!) has it that one of them is coming to Ireland....soon..... so watch this space!

Resomation, also known as Water Cremation and depending on who you are talking to - Aquamation, Bio-cremation, Hydro Cremation, Alkaline Hydrolysis etc etc is the process of body disposition with water instead of flames. I personally am not a fan of flushing granny down the loo but I wanted to know more and maybe you do too. Check out resomation.com if you want more than I give you here. First things first - resomation and aquamation and others are NOT the same. Not the same companies nor the exact same process which I find extremely confusing and therefore can only imagine how Joe Public feels. I spoke with the creator of RESOMATION, Sandy, a Scotsman - nice to here one of 'our' accents on this side of Atlantic. Legally, Sandy told me that Water cremation is approved in 15 US states. In the UK, plans to introduce water cremation are progressing, he told me that had 'done' two bodies just this week in the UK. Irish Mortician, Elizabeth Oakes, plans to offer water cremation as an alternative to flame cremation and burial in Ireland. More on that at another point. I was impressed by Sandy. I was impressed by the output of the process, it truly is less about flushing Granny down the loo and more about less interference on the body and more about saving the environment from mercury emissions and with water cremation, no airborne emissions are produced and the solid leftover mercury-containing amalgam is collected and safely recycled. I also did love the powdery finish to the remains and, weirdly, we all know that people are vain and particular about this, even in death. A beautiful white powder is better than black, rough grainy remains...no?

Other innovation discovered was Funeralocity - the Expedia of the funeral world! We have TheKnot.com for weddings, Hotels.com for accommodation, Expedia.com for travel, and much much more - it's about time a comparison site came to the funeral industry! That's the good news...for the consumer. The bad news is, its only US based. I know funeral directors will probably want to fight something like this but I think it's important and honestly, it's coming whether anyone wants it to or not.

What are your thoughts on Resomation and Funeralocity?

Life Celebrations Ireland

A funeral is a service for respecting and remembering the life of the deceased. In order to fully remember their life in death, I believe that parts of their life should be entwined respectfully into their funeral service. A body does not need to be present for a memorial to take place.

If the person was musical, then music could play a large part in the service; if they liked books, someone could read from their favourite authors, books or poems; if they were artistic, perhaps works of art could be displayed. If they were a real ‘people’ person, perhaps friends could contribute to the service. Did they bake? Did they play golf or football? Did they act or dance?

Incorporate all that the deceased loved in life into the service that says farewell. This way, you will truly represent them and celebrate the presence they held in your life.

So, some ideas to consider:

• Transport: Instead of a hearse transporting the body, you could organise a motorcycle or horse-drawn hearse, or a favourite vehicle of the deceased. These are widely available and accessible in funeral homes across Ireland. The family could follow a hearse on horse, bikes, motorcycles, running, walking or whatever was personal to the deceased;

• Music: Have someone musical sing a song, play an instrument, compose a piece of music or even just organise the musical elements of the funeral service, or reception;

• Words: Usually, there will be a friend or family member who will feel comfortable sharing a story or an anecdote, reading a prayer or saying the eulogy. Involve as many of these people as possible, as it will make the funeral much more personal;

• Images: Most people have a wide variety of friends, clubs, family, networks, work associates and

colleagues and each of them know the deceased in a different way. Allow them to share through imagery their own personal memory of the deceased;

• Video: Similar to images, there may be videos of friends, family or work events that included the

deceased. Allow someone to take charge of compiling a video with music to showcase during the service or at the reception;

• Greeters: This can be a great way to involve children and teenagers who may not understand what is

happening or don’t know how to express themselves. It is a task that doesn’t require a huge amount of responsibility as they are simply greeting people as they enter the venue and guiding them to their seat or handing them an order of service. Including them in the service is very important for their grieving process and gives them something practical to focus on;

• Pallbearers: Typically, six men – usually close family or friends – fill the roles of pallbearer at the funeral. Don’t be afraid to deviate from tradition: if there are women interested, allow them to get involved;

• Service: Is there a friend or family member who can perform the ceremony or service? If so, inviting them to get involved in this capacity can be another way to personalise the funeral. Depending on the deceased’s religion, there may be freedom to personalise a service;

• Design: An artist in the family or a graphic designer colleague may wish to participate creatively in the funeral through using their skills and creating an

image for display, or designing the order of service booklet or a personal memorial favour for guests to take away with them;

• Reception: The reception allows a lot more freedom for personalisation as a service can be dependent on religious beliefs. Here you can become more creative, choosing to serve only the deceased’s favourite drink or food, play only their taste in music or hire their favourite band, etc;

• Graveyard release: At the burial, you might like to release some doves, butterflies or balloons to signify the release of the body, soul or spirit, depending on your beliefs.

The funeral reception

In simple terms, your choice of venue for a funeral reception is between holding it at home (the deceased’s home or that of a close relative) or in an external venue (a hired hall or hotel,

restaurant, club or pub). Sometimes it is not an easy choice but often the choice has already been decided, through the deceased’s requests or ‘because that is what he/she would have wanted’. This can help relieve a great deal of decision-making. But for those that still have to make the choice or would just like to know what each option holds, below I have detailed the issues to consider with each.

House versus Venue

House:

• Transport to and from the house: Where is the house located? Is it on a quiet street without much parking or with ‘pay and display’ parking? Is it down a very tight country lane where accidents are common? Does it have a large driveway that will accommodate some cars? How far from the church or funeral service is it? Is it easy to find? Perhaps a few designated directors

can guide people to the house from the service;

• Need to put certain areas ‘off limit’: This is someone’s home, maybe the deceased’s, or their family home. Either way, you need people to be respectful and to facilitate that you need to set some boundaries. If possible, lock bedroom doors or any ‘off limit’ areas. Put any and all valuables or precious items into these locked rooms;

• Provide maps: Even with all the technology around today, it never hurts to supply people with a physical and easy-to-read map with directions to the house, to make sure you don’t lose anyone en route;

• Immediate family only or all invited: This is a personal decision to make but also one to think about

logisitically. How popular was the deceased? Will everyone who was at the service attend the reception? Will people who could not make the service come to the reception? How many can the house and the food / drink cater for? Would a more quiet, ‘family only’ affair be more respectful and more tasteful?

• No peace and quiet: A common issue with having a reception in your own home is that there is no escape. You cannot retire to bed or relax on your couch and collect your thoughts, cry, laugh, reminisce or scream if you have invited people into your home. Everywhere you go in the house, you will find people who will want to sympathize with you;

• Marquee option: Having a reception in your home is a lovely idea but, if you expect numbers to exceed space you have available to cater for them, consider the option of hiring a marquee and placing it in the back or front garden. It will still have that homely feel but will ease the impact on your home;

Catering: 
Another critical aspect of having a reception in a home is catering for everyone. Typically, people are hungry after a funeral service – thirsty, too. Can you afford / do you have the space to cater for them all? Do you have the kitchen facilities to do it? Will it be finger food, buffet or a three-course meal? Can friends, family and neighbors bring a dish or some sandwiches and help out? It will certainly ease stress if a caterer can come and have all the food and drink (including cups of tea and coffee – a favorite at events such as funerals) prepared for you when you arrive home from the service and will clear up when you are finished. They also can supply the extra cutlery and glassware that would otherwise have to be rented or borrowed.

Venue:

• Transport to and from: Often a central venue in the local town or city center can be the best choice when it comes to transport. Typically, there is ample parking, directions to the venue are known, and roads and paths are well-lit and secure.

• Local or long distance: Did the deceased drink in a particular bar or visit a particular hotel or restaurant regularly? This could be ideal for the reception. Another option is to think of a venue where perhaps the deceased always wanted to visit. Choosing venues can be dependent on whether you wish to ask people to travel long distances. Elderly people may not be able to commit to the travel;

• Book accommodation: Depending on how far people must travel for the funeral service, you may have to provide them with accommodation information such as local bed and breakfasts or hotels. If you are holding the reception in a hotel, you might be able to negotiate a discount on rooms booked;

• House-sitters: If you choose to have the reception in a local hotel, it is sad, but often burglars are aware of this fact. The deceased’s details have been printed in the newspaper and this house is now empty, with potentially dozens of others on the same road or in the same estate as the deceased. All of these home-owners will be at the hotel at the reception. Safeguard yourself and your home against these opportunists and have a house-sitter mind your home, leave a radio or a TV on, make sure an alarm has been fitted to your home and leave some lights on. Give the impression someone is

home;

• Opportunity to get away if needed: A bonus to having a reception in a hotel, club, bar or local restaurant is that it is easy to slip away for some peace and quiet if you need to. Funerals can be very tiring and emotional experiences and while some people will wish to celebrate the deceased life long into the night, others will feel tired very fast and require some sleep or just a few moments alone;

• Music and entertainment: Having an external venue look after the reception also means that you can hire professionals to provide entertainment for your guests – maybe the deceased’s favorite band or trad singer or pianist?

Catering: 
Again, choosing a venue takes care of the catering issue. Professionals will cater to everyone’s taste and price. You can choose to pay for everything, or allow everyone to order for themselves or you can order some smaller items and if people wish to have more they can pay for it.

Regardless of which option you choose, home or external venue, there are still more decisions to make. Food and drink options will be similar whether the reception is held in the home or in a public house:

• Will you have a special toast for the deceased?

• Is there a special menu you would like to supply in honour of the deceased?

• Will you supply a buffet, finger food or sit down menu? What time will it be served at?

• Will you supply a free bar/limited bar or have people pay for/bring their own?

Another option could be to have a family sit-down dinner immediately after the service and meet up with everyone else in a broader reception afterward. Always keep some food aside; this might seem like a waste but it will not be. This food is for the immediate family who may or may not eat during the reception as they will be chatting with everyone and accepting sympathies. This food will be greatly appreciated after the reception when everyone has gone home.

Online Legacy Part 3/3 - Death on Instagram and Snapchat

Social media platforms can be used to communicate online the details of a funeral service, receive sympathy messages from those abroad who cannot get home for a service and to mourn a loved one online. Displaying photos of the deceased, their recipes, songs, art or photos on Facebook, Instagram,

Snapchat, Pinterest, Twitter or YouTube can provide comfort to some.

Instagram’s  ‘death policy’ aligns closely to that of its parent company, Facebook. Users’ accounts can either be memorialized or removed BUT unlike Facebook, where you can decide pre-demise which YOU would prefer Instagram leaves it up to your loved ones to decide on how you should be remembered.

Similar to Facebook a Memorialized account will not show up in public spaces or suggested searches. To memorialize an Instagram account you need to provide:

• Fill out a form on their site
• Their name and username
• Their email address
• Date they died and a link to their obituary

The other option is to Permanently Remove an Instagram Account. Only verified immediate family members are able to make a request for removal of the account. Upon submitting a deletion request, Instagram requires individuals present proof of immediate family relation, which would be the deceased person’s birth certificate, death certificate or “proof of authority under local law that you are the lawful representative of the deceased person, or their estate.” More info here

According to Bloomberg, there are 150 million people using Snapchat every day and YET Snpachat has failed to provide any ‘death policy’. The ONLY current method of memorializing or deleting your Snapchat account upon your demise is providing a loved one with your login and password. NOT something many people are comfortable doing BUT if you have this information and want to delete then….

First, log into Snapchat here, with the person’s username and password. Then simply check the box confirming you are not a robot, click submit, re-enter the username and password and click continue. After following these steps an account is deactivated for 30 days, which involves individuals not being able to interact in any way with the person on Snapchat. Then after the 30 days, the account will be permanently deleted.

As always my suggestion is PREPLAN!!!!

Other issues in the online space include:

• Access to the deceased’s email accounts and subscription sites: Do you have the necessary user/account names and passwords? If you have usernames and passwords, it will make account access and deletion much easier. If not, there is still the option of contacting the service providers as mentioned above; 
• Blog posts: People blog for both personal and business reasons and a regular action online is to ‘schedule’ your blog posts so that they are spaced out over the course of a month or a year. However, if posts are scheduled to appear after the person’s death, this can cause discomfort, pain and upset if regular readers receive blog posts posthumously;
• Online business revenue: Whether this is online advertising revenue, eBay sales, Paypal accounts or other, you should inform the deceased’s solicitor and accountant, as well as whoever is taking responsibility for the deceased’s business affairs;

Are you living or visiting San Fran in April??

Death—a truly universal topic—is the focus of more than 100 unique events happening in every corner of San Francisco this April (which is tomorrow!)

Reimagine, a nonprofit inspired by OpenIDEO's End of Life Challenge has partnered with the City of San Francisco via the Department of Aging and Adult Services and the

Palliative Care Work Group to present Reimagine End of Life, a full week of exploring

big questions about life and death through creativity and conversation. 

From April 16 to 22, more than 100 collaborators will produce experiences, workshops, and

performances designed to spark public discussion and connection. Details and tickets

are available at www.letsreimagine.org/san-francisco or by calling (415) 329-6911.

“Reimagine convenes public conversations that transform our approach to life.
Everyone, irrespective of culture and background, is encouraged to reflect on why we’re
here, prepare for a time when we won’t be, and design what it means for us to live fully
right up until the end,” said Brad Wolfe, founder and executive director of Reimagine.
“More than 2,500 people attended 30 events during our first Reimagine week in 2016,
so we are expecting 7,000 this year. We want to connect the entire community with
life’s universal truth.”

Drawing on the arts, spirituality, healthcare, and design, Reimagine End of Life is
intended to break down taboos and bring diverse communities together in wonder,
preparation and remembrance. Events will be hosted throughout the week by a wide
variety of local organizations and individuals, from physicians performing personal
stories of their own experiences with death to music and comedy shows about mortality,
to a remembrance ceremony for the environment on the eve of Earth Day.

During the weekend prior to Reimagine End of Life, spiritual leaders across San
Francisco will participate in a “Conversation Sabbath,” speaking to their congregations
about death and encouraging involvement in Reimagine week events, especially the
numerous Advance Care Planning Workshops. More than 25 churches, community
organizations and libraries will host these free workshops to help residents plan their
end-of-life care and complete healthcare directives.

'Let the pink fluff and sparkles break through’

"But they say that all things happen for a reason. I don’t want to go looking over my shoulder or waving my fist in anger. That was never my style. But the truth of the matter is this: I would never have wanted to go, there would never have been enough time so I am trying to be gracious about it.

I know it is practically illegal to champion all things pink in this all bustling world where being girlie can be mistaken for being stupid. But I would like to be remembered as somebody who believes that fairies live at the bottom of the garden, that unicorns exist but they are simply shy and that angels flutter on all of our shoulders.

There is enough gray in the world already. Let the pink fluff and sparkles breakthrough. There’s enough sadness, suffering, and strife. Let the laughter be heard.

Farewell. Look after each other. Be kind. Be happy. Be grateful. And most of all, be yourself.

Life is short. It is so very, very precious and it’s not a dress rehearsal. So enjoy; eat chocolate, drink strong coffee, have a fabulous glass of wine and buy those clothes; walk in those high heels and let the world know that you are here to work hard and to play even harder."

These were the final words of Irish Author Emma Hannigan. These were the words she wanted to tell the world herself but she knew she would not be around to say them as they were to be spoken at her funeral.

I posted these words across all of my social media channels when she passed away a few weeks ago. A tragic and too soon end to such a vibrant soul. I didn't know Emma but in her final words, I feel like she knew me, or my soul at least. These are words to live by. No wonder she was such a wonderful author. Rest in sparkles Emma, wherever you are. x

Interview Clive Anderson

Clive Anderson has been living in the US for the last 14 years. He is an Irish native from Co Cork who now lives and works just 25 minutes from Times Square in New York City.

He is the owner of Pelham Funeral Home and has been a funeral director and embalmer for over fifteen years. He wasn’t born into the business as many funeral directors are but rather Clive feels as though he was ‘called’ into the service. The moment occuring when Clive lost his father to cancer. His experience of the funeral profession stimulated his desire to help others.

He got his experience in Ireland, initially with Jeremiah O’ Connor & Sons Funeral Home in Co. Cork before immigrating to the United States to get formal training in the funeral profession and working as a funeral service consultant for Matthews International.

Clive believes the Irish deal with death very well, as he said “the whole community stops, Irish Weddings are optional, Funerals are compulsory”. He thinks the American funeral industry has gotten quite commercial and has “forgotten the old ways” of respecting the body. He mentioned the animal kingdom and how animals grieve a loss and that it is a part of the process we should all embrace. He believes spending time with and looking after the body is both respectful of a life lived and a natural part of the grieving process.

Notable funerals that he has had the opportunity to plan included a thrice Powerball (similar to the Lotto) winner and an old Irish man who was homeless and passed away on the streets. He strives to make each funeral unique and special and include as many personal touches to the service as possible and this can include photos of the deceased placed all around the funeral home, their favorite music playing, smells filling the rooms, flags flying and a guest book for all who arrive to sign.



The recipient of several awards, Clive has been recognized by Irish Newspaper, The Irish Echo “40 under 40” for his contributions to the Irish community in the US and was also an aide to the Grand-Marshal of the Irish Business Organization on St Patrick’s Day In NYC. He was honored by the Irish Aisling Center in New York in September 2017.

5 Things to Know Before You Visit a Funeral Director

1. Plan ahead of a funeral home visit: Know what you would like ahead of time because more than likely the undertaker can and will oblige. Not knowing what you want could incur massive costs to you and your family and/or you will walk away not getting what you wished.
2. Compare prices: Funeral prices can vary hugely, even in the same county, so don’t be afraid to ring up and ask for prices ahead of time. Unfortunately, most funeral homes do not display their prices on their websites so a bit of research is required here. Don't be afraid to call them up and ask for quotes.
3. Think local and small: Small, independent funeral homes often can provide you with a better quality and more personal service at a cheaper price, so don’t forget the little guy....
4. Read all about the extras that you may incur if you are not careful: Only purchase what you need and want and get a clear quote. Embalming, grave cover, and pallbearers are all extras that you may not need;
5. Inspect the products you are purchasing as much as is physically possible. Like any event (and a funeral is just that) you should compare and inspect what you are buying. If you were planning a wedding you would want to see examples of the flowers and cake wouldn't you?

End of Life Forum 2017

The End of Life Forum 2017 was held in Dublin Castle yesterday October 10th and was a brilliant day, filled with like-minded professionals, Irish government officials, experts and the ever important 'Joe Publics'. All End of Life aspects where discussed, questions asked (not all answered!) and touching stories shared.

DID YOU KNOW? 88% of doctors said they would choose Do Not Attempt CPR (DNACPR or Do Not Attempt Resuscitation or Allow Natural Death decisions) and YET they deliver these orders to you the patient. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense now does it? Kind of terrifying too.

There was talk (obviously) of the budget and the fact that the Bereavement Grant was not reinstated for 2018's Budget plan. It was said that although this grant wasn't of massive financial significance in helping costs at end of life, it was significant because it represents the State acknowledging you had 'lost a heartbeat'. Considering by this time next year, there will be 3 million Irish people bereaved after a loss of 29, 000 lives, that is a lot of heartbeats ignored by the State.

DID YOU KNOW? 1 out of 3 of us will lose the ability to make our own decisions in the end.

If there is one thing I have been eager on encouraging my readers to do, it is to PREPLAN their funeral because that is what I am passionate about but preplanning your funeral is just ONE task on the 'to do list' of End of Life planning and while the appendices in my first book includes a fantastic (if I do say so myself!) plan to help you preplan your funeral, it does NOT include all of the other essential questions and answers you need to address to fully sort out your End of Life plan. And so, I nod to the Irish Hospice Foundation's fantastic The Think Ahead form which will guide you in recording your preferences regarding ALL aspects of end of life. It encourages you to ensure that those closest to you are aware of these preferences so that, should a time come when you are unable to express them yourself, your wishes will be clear to those caring for you or managing your affairs.

80 people die a day in Ireland, some suddenly and some slowly and some painfully and as Irish Hospice CEO Sharon Foley said "For every 1 death, someone's life changes for ever."

Bryan Nolan...we need to remember that "The person dying is the MOST bereaved person in the room".

Have Your Say in Life and Death

This October the Irish Hospice Foundation holds its Forum on 'End of Life’ which will reveal interesting findings of Ireland's 'Have Your Say' survey (held last year) where thousands of people across Ireland shared their personal thoughts on dying, death and bereavement. Main findings show people fear 'dying in pain' and want dignity, comfort and care at end of life. People worry most about their family and bereavement support.

“You and I get only one chance to die and 2,500 people had their say last year on what makes a good death. By sharing their thoughts they are helping us create an Irish charter on death, dying and bereavement. We believe in quality end-of-life care, supporting each person to live as well as possible to the end and enabling those left behind to grieve well. We are looking forward to revealing all survey findings on October 10th at our Forum,”

Angela Edghill, Advocacy, and Public Engagement Manager, Irish Hospice Foundation.

“Conversations around death are never easy but people are more than willing to share their views when asked.  They only need to be encouraged. This is the aim of Forum 2017 ‘Your Life, Your Death, Your Say – allowing the conversation to continue about dying, death and bereavement in Ireland’.

“Our last Forum was fully booked attracting 350 people from all walks of life. This year the inspirational Justice Catherine McGuinness will speak about human rights at end of life. RTE Broadcaster David McCullagh will chair a panel discussion on pain, grief, and dignity. Panellists include Senator Marie Louise O’Donnell, Micheál Ó Muircheartaigh, and Dr. Tony Foley.  Keynote speaker is Professor Jenny Kitzinger from Cardiff University who co-directs the ‘Coma and Disorders of Consciousness Research Centre’ and she will examine the challenges around how decisions are made when the patient has lost the ability to make choices for themselves,” said Ms Edghill.

Forum 2017 includes several workshops such as ‘Children Grieve Too’, ‘Supporting Staff through Loss and Bereavement’ and ‘Planning for your Future: What Should we Ask Ourselves?’

Attendees will hear people’s views on a range of issues such as challenges facing health professionals when discussing pain, treatment decisions, death, grief, dignity and caring for people at end of life.

The event takes place in Dublin Castle on Tuesday 10th October from 9am – 4pm and all are welcome. Early registration is advised. Tickets are €60 including lunch and refreshments with €30 Concession tickets (limited availability for students, non-working, and senior citizens). Online registration is at hospicefoundation.ie or call 01 679 3188.

A Eulogy - what is it and how to write one

The word eulogy comes from two Greek words, eu meaning ‘good’ and logos meaning ‘word’ or ‘thought’. A eulogy is a speech in praise of or tribute to a dead person.

It can be very difficult to deliver a eulogy when you are grieving. Public speaking or writing a speech can be daunting under the best of circumstances but, when someone you love or care deeply about has died, being asked to “say a few words” at the funeral service can feel like a thousand-ton weight on your shoulders.

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Now this means to the average person that, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. (Jerry Seinfeld)

A eulogy should be a healing experience, for you and for the deceased’s family and friends.

Here are a few tips to help you:

• Write the eulogy in a form that will help you to deliver it. This can be key words on paper or a computer tablet, bullet points, a slide show or a full speech written out;

• Use your memories and ask the deceased’s family and friends for their stories;

• Sometimes, the most poignant eulogies can be read like a letter to the deceased;

• Your eulogy can include absolutely any type of words you like: humorous, sad, poetic, thought provoking, inspiring, dramatic, anything;

• It may help to think about the big achievements in the deceased’s life, the hurdles they overcame, the milestones they reached;

• Don’t be afraid to use poetry or quotations if they mean something to you, friends or family; it doesn’t matter whether it’s the words to a pop song or a Shakespearean quote;

• Try to avoid clichés or common eulogy sentences, such as “We are here today to mourn the death of (name) …” or “(Name) will be sorely missed by all …”;

• You’re not on your own; others are grieving too. If you have to stop in the middle to compose yourself, don’t panic;

• Consider ending with a farewell to the deceased using

a piece of music or a video or a reading.

Few of us are saintly, but the eulogy should concentrate on what was positive in the deceased person’s life; if you must mention the negative, try to do so in humour.

Follow this advice and you will not go far wrong:

• Start with what you know: What you know is your relationship with the deceased, so start with your

memories, take out old photo albums or get online and go through some photos of you both to jog your memories. Remember the good times as well as the bad;

• Make a list about the person: Include details such as dates – birth, marriage, children, work dates, etc; names – spouse/partner, children, grandchildren; locations – childhood, teen years, trips abroad, etc; work life; hobbies; achievements;

• Seek out what you don’t know: Talk to the deceased’s family, friends, members of groups they belonged to about what they remember of the deceased;

• Humour: In the midst of mourning, your audience will appreciate some light-hearted, tasteful humour; referring to an anecdote, funny quote or accidental mishap is generally appreciated. But be careful – you’re not auditioning for stand-up comedy!

• Create your flow: Every speech or piece of writing should have a beginning, middle and an end – your eulogy should too. Interpret that chronologically or based on lifetime milestones – whatever seems appropriate;

• Time: Depending on the circumstances (religious ceremony or not), a eulogy should be no longer than 10 minutes and probably no shorter than two or three minutes. Speak slowly and calmly. Give yourself time and allow the audience to take in your words;

• Practice makes perfect: Practise your eulogy with close family or friends because they may wish to change some of what you say or add to it.

NOTE: If you’re delivering a eulogy for someone who has taken their own life, focus on understanding and empathising with the family’s grief and refrain from rationalisation and explanation. Arrange for loved ones to share good memories about his / her life. Humorous stories can be appropriate as they will lift the mood, if even momentarily, but be cautious. If possible, have anyone wishing to speak about the deceased write out their comments, as this will prevent any inappropriateness, however unintended, that may cause additional hurt or pain to the family.

Considering a DIY Funeral?

Not a task to be undertaken lightly, a DIY funeral (or, more accurately, a do-it-at-home funeral) can be a very personal experience but also a very difficult process. I suggest that if itis something you wish to do, do it with the help and advice of a good funeral home. I would advise also that this is something you plan ahead for (before the person dies).


A few things to note:
• A body can – and probably will – leak bodily fluids if not properly prepared;• If you wish for the body to be stored at home until the service, the family will need to keep it in a ventilated and cool room;
• A number of factors affect the speed of decomposition, even if the body is kept in a cool place. Be prepared for this;
• Embalming is not a legal requirement (In Ireland) unless the body is leaving the country. However, embalming is sanitary and preserving and allows the body to be presentable for viewing. Only a professional embalmer should do embalming;
• You can make or purchase your own coffin. Walmart and Costco in the US now sell coffins online. In the UK, William Warren (www.williamwarren.co.uk) provides instructions to make a bookcase, called ‘Shelves for Life’, based on your measurements, which can be turned into a coffin upon your death (more on that in a separate post)
• You will have to take care of certain issues that the funeral director typically deals with, such as booking the slot at the crematorium, appointing a priest or another person to deliver the service, arranging transport for the coffin, and grave-digging if a burial is involved;
• You cannot legally bury a body anywhere in Ireland. You must get permission first from your local County Council to do so, and approval from a Health Inspector to avoid human remains from polluting the water systems, etc;
• If you are opting for cremation after the DIY service, check with the crematorium that they will accept the body as you have prepared it. Some crematoriums may have an issue accepting bodies that are not in a coffin bought from an undertaker or arrive other than by hearse.

Ireland - Advanced Healthcare Directives

12 key things you NEED to know according to the Irish Hospice Foundation

1. Advance Healthcare Directives are recognised in common law but until now there was no legislative framework
2. Under the new provisions, a person aged 18 and over who has capacity can prepare an Advance Healthcare Directive
3. They must put their decisions on future medical treatment in writing and their Advance Healthcare Directive must be witnessed
4. A person will be able to revoke an Advance Healthcare Directive at any time – verbally or in writing
5. No-one will be under any obligation to create an Advance Healthcare Directive – people are free to make them but are not required to do so
6. Having witnesses to the Advance Healthcare Directive is geared to prevent people being forced to make certain decisions
7. You can nominate people who will be legally recognised as acting on your behalf at a time when you lose capacity and can ensure your Advance Healthcare Directive is enforced
8. An Advance healthcare Directive only comes into force when you have lost capacity and cannot make a decision
9. Having an Advance Healthcare Directive helps healthcare professionals in caring for you the way you want
10. Having an Advance Healthcare Directive helps families as it removes doubt about what care their loved one wanted
11. If there is any serious doubt about an Advance Healthcare Directive, a person can go to the courts
12. This is not euthanasia or assisted suicide. These acts are and continue to be illegal in Ireland. An Advance Healthcare Directive is a method of obtaining consent for treatment in advance.

Be happy…. think about death! 2016 Resolutions.

Be happy…. think about death!

WANT a better 2016? Try thinking more about your every day. No I don’t mean your routine or your eating habits or lack of exercise or business financials but about your work - why you do what you do.

Meditating death is a key to better living. Contemplating our own demise forces us into considering the present and future. Knowing that one day it will all come to an end (depending on your beliefs) allows the brain to acknowledge the present and living and the countless opportunities that await us. The future depends on what you do now, today. Death will surely come knocking - as a professional in the funeral industry you know this but are you ready for it? Have you fulfilled your Bucket List? If by some miracle you have then create a new one for 2016. If you have procrastinated on your Bucket List until now then make 2016 the year you complete the list. To make this easier and more achievable when planning always try to vividly visualize the activity - when is it happening, where and how?

Sometimes we can become to engulfed in our work day to day that we lose sight of why we do what we do until we lose someone ourselves and then it is often too late. So if you are planning a summer holiday this year - if this was to be the last one ever - with whom would you go and spend some time? Where would you go? What would you do when there? How long would you go for?

If this year were your last, would you spend the next hour mindlessly checking your social media, or would you call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while? Would you spend the day with your family or spend the day helping other families? Some of our choices are not easy, or fair and sometimes it takes looking death directly in the eye before we realize the real choices we want to and should make. Although his name is now forever associated with drug allegations in sport some would say that it took a serious potentially fatal cancer diagnosis to send Lance Armstrong on to make history and win seven consecutive Tour de France championships. What will your Tour de France be?

There’s still time to rethink your resolutions. Forget losing weight, giving up cigarettes (although you should try!) and saving money. Those are New Year’s resolutions for regular joe soaps but you’re a funeral director. You live, breathe and sleep death so why not apply it to your own life and this year, improve your outlook: Be fully alive now by thinking about your demise. Have a Happy  and Healthy 2016!

Steve Jobs 

“Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.
Almost everything--all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure--these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. 
Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. 
No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet, death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it, and that is how it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It's life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new.”

Don't ever let anything stop you

I just listened to Tony Robbins and his 2006 TedTalks piece. I watched through to the end and was glad I did when he told a beautiful touching story about his experience of the 9/11 terrorist attacks on America. He was right when he claimed that it is when people are faced with extreme adversity and death that they become emotionally and physically driven to change the course of their lives and to LIVE their life.

This is what he said:
"When 9/11 happened -- I'll finish with this -- I was in Hawaii. I was with 2,000 people from 45 countries. We were translating four languages simultaneously for a program that I was conducting for a week. The night before (9/11) was called "Emotional Mastering.".......And all of a sudden I said, "When do people really start to live? When they face death."

And then I went through this whole thing about, if you weren't going to get off this island, if nine days from now you were going to die, who would you call, what would you say, what would you do?

One woman -- well, that night is when 9/11 happened -- one woman had come to the seminar and when she came there, her previous boyfriend had been kidnapped and murdered. Her friend, her new boyfriend, wanted to marry her, and she said no. He said, "If you leave and go to that Hawaii thing, it's over with us." She said, "It's over."

When I finished that night, she called him and left a message at the top of the World Trade Center where he worked, saying, "Honey, I love you, I just want you to know I want to marry you. It was stupid of me."

She was asleep, because it was 3 a.m. for us, when he called her back from the top and said, "Honey, I can't tell you what this means." He said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but you gave me the greatest gift because I'm going to die." And she played the recording for us in the room.

She was on Larry King later, and he said, "You're probably wondering how on Earth this could happen to you twice." And he said, "All I can say to you is, this must be God's message to you, honey. From now on, every day give your all, love your all. Don't let anything ever stop you."

Did you know? There was Rules of mourning?!

Did you know? There was Rules of mourning?! I mean what now?!

The twenty-fifth edition of the "Rules of Etiquette and Home Culture" published in 1893 explains how the longest mourning for a widow should last a period of two years. During the first year of mourning only black wool was to be worn, without any trimmings or jewelry. Black silk with white collars and cuffs was worn during the second period of mourning, which lasted six months. Grey, white, and violet could be introduced during the last six months of mourning.

In days past, the rules of behavior for mourning were well known and rigorously followed.  Today? Not so much.....but there are definitely some people who still 'follow the rules'.

There was a Catholic etiquette book written in 1962:

Case in Point: JFK's funeral-
A day of national mourning was declared for President John Kennedy. His widow wore traditional black BUT ALSO - One in mourning does not go to large public functions, balls or dinner parties. He does not dine out in restaurants or go to parties. He also does not host parties or social functions in his home during the mourning period.

ALSO - He may dine with friends in his home. He may continue such sports as he has always played, but his costume should be dark-colored and suitable to the game he is playing.

ALSO - A widow or widower should not accept or offer attentions to the opposite sex for a year.

These standards were strictly maintained through the Civil War period and even into the beginning of the 20th century in higher society and good families. Many people, however, began to adopt the more practical custom of simply wearing dark clothing to express their mourning and this continues through to today's funerals across the world.

An Eco funeral

What is an Eco Funeral?

Eco means reducing the amount of C02 that will be produced from your funeral.
Think about the suppliers you will use, the products you will buy and how you can reduce, reuse and recycle. How far will your Suppliers/Supplies have to travel to get to your desired venue? Your funeral can still be everything you desire and have that ‘life celebration’ factor without costing the earth.

Venue

• Can you cut down on travel and have both ceremony and reception at the one venue?
• When talking with a venue ask them what their Environmental policies are and include carbon footprint, fair-trade goods and recycling in your questions.
• Does your venue buy local and/or organic produce? Will they offer you an organic alternative if you wish?
•  

Order of Service

• Try having family sending out the order of service via email
• Use recycled paper or from handmade paper
• Ask people to recycle the order of service at the bottom of the page.
• Use your imagination and give people something creative like something they can use again or even eat!

The Vessel

• Consider a cardboard coffin, woolen or  bamboo or other biodegradable container 
• For your dress use organic materials such as silk and cotton bought from fair-trade suppliers
• Perhaps have your body dressed in a biodegradable cloth such as cotton.

Flowers

• Try sourcing local and seasonal wildflowers. This will you cut emissions that would be generated by delivery.  
• For centrepieces, use oxygen producing potted plants or candles with green foliage.
• Are the Florists flowers organically grown in season?
• Do they recycle & compost? Does the florist work with farmers who follow sustainable practices?

Burial

• Choose a green graveyard for burial.  
• Choose a living marker for your grave plot site such as a tree.

Alternatives

• Opt out of embalming
• New upcoming Irish service Ecolation could be the answer for you if you are preplanning a purely ecological end of life exit.

RTE's Way to Go - Death and the Irish

So last night (July 1st 2014) RTE (I believe in association with the Irish Hospice Foundation) showcased a documentary on death, dying, loss, grief and the Irish.

I was very excited to see this documentary, albeit a little frustrated that I didn't get interviewed or asked my opinion or to participate in any way shape of form. As someone who has been a point of contact for many of the papers and radio djs when it comes to the subject of death and considering how much of a spotlight I have put on the subject with my book, my blog, the press received and my approach to it on social media - I really think having a completely independent (of any supplier) young person give their take on preplanning would have added substantially to the documentary but then this is RTE we are talking about here.

As I have said time and time again, in Ireland, historically, we dealt with death quite well - in fact we are world renowned for our wakes but in the last couple of decades we seem to have lost this fantastic 'celebration of life' in favour of a more demure and sad 'mourning of a death'.

The Irish Hospice Foundation do fantastic work and when I needed some questions answered at the time of my book (Say Farewell, Your Way) writing, they obliged. I (very clearly) have an avid interest in Funerals and Funeral Planning and I had hoped this documentary would start a conversation on twitter, on facebook, online in general and around the dinner table. I think it will start SOME conversations for sure and if it does that, then it has succeeded. But what I saw (and I could be wrong) was merely people like me and the IHF and people who worked for the IHF and in the death industry talking online. This was, for me, sad to see. It shows that we still have a way to go to get the Irish talking openly about death, dying and loss.

My other 'grip' as such with the show was the TYPICAL Irish media personas that appeared throughout and even the fact that Norah Casey presented it. Now I liked Norah on the Dragons Den (so much so I approached her outside it with the original Funeral Planning idea) but with most Irish Celebrities her 'brand' has been diluted so much that she doesn't necessarily bring anything to a show anymore. I know this might sound harsh because I understand why she was involved in the show and from that point, interviewing her ON the show would have been imperative but for her to present the show did not make sense to me. Then there was the scattering of Irish celebrities throughout.....personally I enjoyed the real-life 'nobody' stories alot better. That lady Noreen was fantastic - more airtime for her please.

All in all I am delighted the show presented this topic to the public in such a way and at a vital air time (although the world cup games may have filtered a little). We NEED to talk about death openly, honestly and more often. It WILL happen to all of us at some stage and so lets put into place as much of a plan as we possibly can to make that easier on us and our loved ones. I really hope to see more shows like this in the future.

Why should you use Blogging/Social Media for your funeral home? P2

Credibility and reputation

Position yourself as a thought leader. Most people arrive at a funeral home during an time-of-need service and so they may not know the wealth of services that you provide. A blog and social media can help to showcase this without selling AT them or being too pompous. Become someone they can turn to and ask questions when the time is right.

Drive Sales

Statistics show that companies with business blogs will generate on average 80% more sales leads. Use your blog to educate people on how to personalize their service which could ultimately leads to more ‘add on’ sales for your home.

70% of people use blogs as information sources when making buying decisions.

Customer testimonials have the highest effectiveness rating for all types of content marketing, with a rating of 89% so lets get some testimonials from your customers onto your blog and Facebook page.

It can also help you to understand your market

We can do polls, ask questions on social media, get feedback and generally begin to understand your market more. It’s about opening a two-way conversation with the people you serve every day.