It is NEVER 'just a dog'

Although Roxy was ‘just a dog’, and she died over 8 years ago, recalling her last day still feels heartbreaking for me. In fact, it was one of the worst days of my life and inspired my New York/Dublin based pet memorial business Rainbow Bridge Memorials and my upcoming Tedx Talk in Tallaght on October 12th.

She was 16, quite old for any dog,  and she’d had a series of strokes. I had just returned from the holiday of a lifetime in Cuba and when I arrived home Roxy came running out, as usual, to say hiiiieeee. Sadly everything wasn’t usual though - I knew something was wrong. Four hours and another stroke later we were taking her to her death. We had her for 16 years; she was part of the family. She was my best friend through childhood, teenage years and adulthood. I felt like I was betraying her.

I am not alone. My deep emotions regarding the day Roxy was euthanized strikes a familiar chord with just about anyone who has ever lost a beloved pet to euthanasia/putting a dog to sleep.

I often ask myself did we do the right thing, could she have gotten better or was she ok with going. Her eyes never left mine as she died. And then afterwards, people just don’t know what to do with me, there’s no funeral or blueprint to follow. I felt awkward calling into work asking for some time off. I felt my friends looked at you thinking “Just get over it's only a dog” especially if they had suffered had human loss. It seemed self indulgent to even think of mourning a pet when faced with human loss so feelings get hidden and grief gets buriedit'.

Ireland is changing when it comes to pet loss as we see recognition of the grief people experience when a beloved pet dies where we never saw it before. There are helplines offering support and a listening ear, discussions about pet bereavement days at work. You can buy pet condolence cards, memorial jewellery. Pet funeral businesses are flourishing - pet cemeteries and pet crematoriums with pet specific caskets, urns and keepsake jewellery.

One study by the Funeral Co-op in the UK found that more than a quarter of respondents had found their pet’s death as difficult as the death of a family member, and a third thought it was on a level with the loss of a friend. Nearly half of the bereaved owners were still mourning after two months, and 16 percent were struggling a year later.

While it might seem self-indulgent or the ‘world gone mad with millennials’ by older generations to mourn the loss of a pet or compare it to the loss of human life, to some it can be just as heartbreaking. All loss and grief is important and essential experiences of the human psyche but grief that is dismissed by others can be more painful still.

Pets are often with us 24/7, reliant on us for food, water, exercise, and survival. They become our confidantes and in some cases have been known to prevent suicidal thoughts and help with mental illnesses. Here is a living being who will not judge, reprimand, or dismiss your thoughts, actions or feelings and yet when they pass the loss can be dismissed as ‘just a dog’.

Irish milliner Philip Treacy lost his Jack Russell, ‘Mr Pig’ in 2004; ‘I saw Mr Pig as my friend, not my dog. He was my everything; he was like my child. He was by my side, day and night, for 12 years. How many humans could you say that about?’ Treacy even went on to compose a book Dog Stories, which is an anthology of stories of well-known people (Lady Annabel Goldsmith, Sir Jackie Stewart, Lord Hattersley, Anna Pasternak, Petronella Wyatt, Edward du Cann and Tom Rubython) and their dogs. They recount the adventures of their pets, and the happiness and ultimate sadness they brought to the lives of their owners.

I used my grief to build a business helping others to grieve and started a company called Rainbow Bridge Memorials that has a base in Dublin and New York, offering condolence cards, pet conscious cards and memorial jewellery but it is more than just a business, It has become an online community. We have a Facebook page where people will often post about their pet or their grief and others chime in and offer support. We all know the sadness of pet loss and the difficulty in speaking about it to others who don’t have pets. The emails I receive from my clients about my jewellery often overwhelm me as they tell me how much it helps them in their grieving process and some of the emails were heartbreaking to read. It brought the loss of Roxy up all over again but I guess I started the business because when we lost Roxy, I still wanted her with me every day and wherever I go and with the jewellery I can do that and it helps. <3

Dublin City FM episode 1

Listen to the podcast here https://soundcloud.com/after-me/ep1-after-the-show-that-talks-about-death?utm_source=soundcloud&utm_campaign=share&utm_medium=email

"Dublincityfm.ie Broadcast on July 8 2014, After welcomes guests Jennifer Muldowney from Farewell Funeral Planners who talks of cremation jewellery and on being called the 'glam reaper' plus Roddy Tyrrell from Tyrrell Solicitors on what is involved in making a will, what 'living wills' or advanced care directives are and why they are not yet fully recognised in Ireland "
Twitter: @TheGlamReaper Web: www.farewellfuneralplanners.ie
Web: www.lawyer.ie Twitter: @solicitor_ie
Twitter: @After_WhatNow

RTE's Way to Go - Death and the Irish

So last night (July 1st 2014) RTE (I believe in association with the Irish Hospice Foundation) showcased a documentary on death, dying, loss, grief and the Irish.

I was very excited to see this documentary, albeit a little frustrated that I didn't get interviewed or asked my opinion or to participate in any way shape of form. As someone who has been a point of contact for many of the papers and radio djs when it comes to the subject of death and considering how much of a spotlight I have put on the subject with my book, my blog, the press received and my approach to it on social media - I really think having a completely independent (of any supplier) young person give their take on preplanning would have added substantially to the documentary but then this is RTE we are talking about here.

As I have said time and time again, in Ireland, historically, we dealt with death quite well - in fact we are world renowned for our wakes but in the last couple of decades we seem to have lost this fantastic 'celebration of life' in favour of a more demure and sad 'mourning of a death'.

The Irish Hospice Foundation do fantastic work and when I needed some questions answered at the time of my book (Say Farewell, Your Way) writing, they obliged. I (very clearly) have an avid interest in Funerals and Funeral Planning and I had hoped this documentary would start a conversation on twitter, on facebook, online in general and around the dinner table. I think it will start SOME conversations for sure and if it does that, then it has succeeded. But what I saw (and I could be wrong) was merely people like me and the IHF and people who worked for the IHF and in the death industry talking online. This was, for me, sad to see. It shows that we still have a way to go to get the Irish talking openly about death, dying and loss.

My other 'grip' as such with the show was the TYPICAL Irish media personas that appeared throughout and even the fact that Norah Casey presented it. Now I liked Norah on the Dragons Den (so much so I approached her outside it with the original Funeral Planning idea) but with most Irish Celebrities her 'brand' has been diluted so much that she doesn't necessarily bring anything to a show anymore. I know this might sound harsh because I understand why she was involved in the show and from that point, interviewing her ON the show would have been imperative but for her to present the show did not make sense to me. Then there was the scattering of Irish celebrities throughout.....personally I enjoyed the real-life 'nobody' stories alot better. That lady Noreen was fantastic - more airtime for her please.

All in all I am delighted the show presented this topic to the public in such a way and at a vital air time (although the world cup games may have filtered a little). We NEED to talk about death openly, honestly and more often. It WILL happen to all of us at some stage and so lets put into place as much of a plan as we possibly can to make that easier on us and our loved ones. I really hope to see more shows like this in the future.

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

20th Anniversary

Jacqueline Lee "Jackie" Bouvier Kennedy Onassis July 28, 1929 – May 19, 1994 

She was wife of the 35th President of the United States, John F. Kennedy until his assassination in 1963. Five years later she married Greek shipping magnate Aristotle Onassis until his death in 1975. 

On that fateful day - November 22 1963 the First Lady heard what she thought to be a motorcycle backfiring but it was gunshots. The final shot struck the President in the head.

At Dallas' Parkland Hospital, she went to be by her husband's side and when a nurse stopped her and attempted to bar the door to prevent her from entering, she persisted saying "I want to be there when he dies".

Later, when his body was in a casket, she removed her wedding ring and put it onto the President's finger saying "Now I have nothing left."

 After the president's death, she regretted having washed the blood off her face and hands and continued to wear the now infamous blood-stained pink chanel suit as she went on board Air Force One and President Johnson took the oath of office saying "I want them to see what they have done to Jack."

Jackie took an active role in planning the details of her husband's state funeral, which was based on Abraham Lincoln's. The service was held at Cathedral of St. Matthew the Apostle, Washington D.C. and the burial at Arlington National Cemetery where the widow lit the eternal flame (that just recently came to Ireland) at the gravesite - a flame that had been created at her request.

On October 20, 1968, mere months after Robert F Kennedy's assassination, she married Aristotle Socrates Onassis who was able to provide the privacy and security she sought for herself and her children.

Jackie Kennedy-Onassis' funeral was held on May 23, 1994 where her son John described three of her greatest attributes as the love of words, the bonds of home and family, and the spirit of adventure. She was buried alongside first husband and President Kennedy, their son Patrick, and their stillborn daughter Arabella at Arlington National Cemetery Virginia.

Her Children:

• Arabella Kennedy - August 23 1956 - Stillborn 
• Caroline Bouvier Kennedy - November 27, 1957 - Caroline is the last surviving child of JFK and Jackie and she has two daughters and a son. 
• John Fitzgerald "John-John" Kennedy, Jr. - November 25, 1960 - July 16, 1999 - Married to Carolyn Jeanne Bessette. They died in a plane crash, along with Carolyn's sister in a plane piloted by Kennedy. 
• Patrick Bouvier Kennedy - August 7, 1963 - August 9, 1963 - Died from infant respiratory distress syndrome. Born over 5 weeks premature his lungs hadn't fully developed.

The Disney Files - Walt Disney

Walter Elias "Walt" Disney (December 5, 1901 – December 15, 1966) 

An American animator, film producer, director, screenwriter, voice actor, entrepreneur, entertainer, international icon, and philanthropist hardly needs an introduction. An icon of the 20th Century.

He co founded the Walt Disney Productions (now The Walt Disney Company) which became one of the best-known motion picture producers in the world with his brother Roy Disney.

Reportedly, his famous trademark signature was designed for him by one of his animators.

He, with his staff, created some of the world's most well-known fictional characters including Mickey Mouse (Disney provided the original voice).

So where did it all begin? Well he was Irish of course! ;-)
Walt Disney was born on December 5, 1901 to Irish-Canadian father Elias Disney and Flora Call Disney. His great-grandfather, Arundel Elias Disney, had emigrated from Gowran, County Kilkenny, Ireland where he was born in 1801.

He began a series of businesses and eventually set up an animation studio with his brother Roy.

In 1932, Disney received a special Academy Award for the creation of the series "Mickey Mouse.

Snow White: When the film industry learned of Disney's plans to produce an animated feature-length version of Snow White, they nicknamed it "Disney's Folly" and were certain it would destroy the Disney Studio. Both Walt's wife Lillian and brother Roy tried to talk him out of the project. The film became the most successful motion picture of 1938 and earned over $8 million on its initial release, the equivalent of  over $130 million today.

He died in December 15, 1966 from lung cancer in Burbank, California. The last thing he reportedly wrote before his death was the name of actor Kurt Russell, the significance of which remains a mystery, even to Russell.

"As long as there is imagination left in the world, Disneyland will never be complete."

Awards:

• 4 honorary Academy Awards
• 7 Emmy Awards
• Disney holds the record for both the most Academy Award nominations (59) and the number of Oscars awarded (22) between 1932 - 1959. His last competitive Academy Award was posthumous: 1969: Best Short Subject, Cartoons: Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day

Britain's Got Talent 2013

Britain's got talent or has Hungary?! STUNNING performance from Hungary theatre group.

Just over a 3 minutes of life...and death.

I LOVE IT.

Whitney Houston

Whitney Elizabeth Houston. (August 9, 1963 – February 11, 2012)

Today marks Whitney Houston's anniversary. There are few people in the world who do not know her iconic name or indeed this iconic image from the movie The Bodyguard. 

She was an American recording artist, actress, producer, and model. 

She sold over 175 million albums, singles and videos worldwide as of her death in 2012. 

Whitney started out singing in her local church choir. Music was in her blood as her cousin was the famous Dionne Warwick, her mother Cissy Houston and aunt Aretha Franklin.

With Movies like 'The Bodyguard', 'The Preacher's Wife' and 'Waiting to Exhale' under her belt, her last movie, released posthumously, was Sparkle.

She turned down a role on The Cosby Show back when it all began and I can only be thankful for that because we might not have known her as the Whitney Houston we still adore today.

Whitney was found drowned in her hotel room just before the Grammys 2012.

Sept 11th 2001

I love this, it is truly, beautifully simple.

No Fifty Shades of Grey here

Image from Mail Online

The Queen of girly Irish fiction - Maeve Binchy died last night 30th July aged 72 years. A journalist, short story writer and best-selling novelist, she was famous for her warm stories about love, life and relationships. A far cry from the more recent bestsellers like Fifty Shades of Grey. You could almost describe reading one of her books as being with a good friend; you laughed, you cried, experienced romance, everyday life and all the baggage that comes with it. Trending all over the internet, she has received kind words from all over the globe and from every walk of life. Sounds about right.

• She wrote her first novel at the age of 43
• A journalist at the Irish Times, she eventually became its women’s editor
• Her first novel - Light a Penny Candle was published in 1982
• She had 16 novels translated into 30 languages
• Sold 40 million copies worldwide
• One book was developed into the 1995 film Circle of Friends starring Minnie Driver and Chris O'Connell
• She was born in Dalkey in Co Dublin and studied at UCD
• She announced her retirement in 2000
• But her last novel Minding Frankie was published in 2010
• She received a lifetime achievement award from the Irish Book Awards in 2010
• Throughout her career she made Britain's top 10 most popular writers, the New York Times' Best-seller List and even appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show.

RIP Maeve, you deserve it.

Sticks and stones - words that can hurt

There are a number of things you should never say to someone at a funeral but it can be difficult to know what to say and often words that are inappropriate or lack emotion can come out instead. Here is a short guideline of phrases you should never say.

1 – He/She is in a better place.

There are few people who, while grieving a loss, will agree with you on this one. They may nod but really they are probably wishing for whoever has died to return to them. This has religious connotations and may provide some with relief but not all so is best left unsaid.

2 – He looks so peaceful.

This is one of those classic silence breakers where the person saying it, does not actually believe it but feels the need to say something. Rule number one, silence is okay.

3 – Let me know if there is anything I can do.

This is another classic phrase. Do not say this. Call them, drop by, send an email or a letter, drop in some food, bring them somewhere. They won’t know what you can do, so just do it.

4 – I am sorry for your loss.

This gets said a lot and unfortunately has become generic as a result. A plain ‘I’m sorry’ is better and seems more heartfelt.

5 – I know how you feel.

One of my pet peeves. No-one ever knows how you feel. Whether you have lost a pet, a mother, father, brother, grandmother, aunt, friend, uncle you didn’t even like, nobody will ever know how you feel about that person and the fact that they are not there anymore.

6 – How are you feeling/holding up/keeping?

I can’t presume to know how they are feeling and they will not want to be asked this a million times. Everyone does it but what do they expect the answer to be?

7 – He is finally at peace.

This is said to provide some form of comfort to those who are grieving but it does little to accomplish this.

I have been guilty of a number of these phrases myself over the years and so I know that the uttering of these phrases is never meant maliciously, or inappropriately but they are also void of feeling and are what I now call ‘silence killers’. If you are at a loss for what to say, simply say “I don’t know what to say”. Honesty can be the kindest thing to someone grieving.

My best advice when you are not sure is to give the person a hug as sometimes words are just not enough.

I Grieve by Peter Gabriel

Death in Ireland

Once upon a time in Ireland..........the story goes that once someone passed away, a window was opened to allow the spirit of the deceased to leave the house. 


Storytelling is very much a part of old Ireland and death in fairytales are intermittently linked. According to these tales no-one must stand or block the path to the window as this may prevent the spirit from leaving and bring misfortune to the person who does so.

In the olden days in Ireland a body was washed and clothed in white. If the deceased was a male he would have be freshly shaven.  A rosary is then wrapped around the hands and a cross placed around the neck depending on the religion of the deceased. Candles are placed at the head and foot of the coffin and remain lit while the deceased was still present in the house. Family members or close friends would stay with the deceased at all times taking it in shifts to watch over the departed. All clocks in the house were stopped at the time the person died and all mirrors covered or turned to face the wall as a mark of respect. Also, traditionally all the curtains closed.

'Keening' is also an old Irish Tradition. This is when women would cry and wail over the deceased. This took place after the body had been laid out, if the women started ‘keening’ before the body was ‘laid-out’ it would invoke evil spirits.

Good grief

When I was at the End of Life Forum in Croke Park in October, a lady who had been through a lot for her years, spoke very courageously about her own experiences with death and loss. Most in the audience were moved to tears with her words. One aspect of what she said remained with me. When speaking of the tragedy of losing a baby to still birth she spoke of how people, in an effort to provide comfort in some way, would say “sure at least you didn’t get to meet him” or “at least you didn’t bond with him yet”.

In Ireland we have an innate need to comfort one another with tea, tea and more tea. But while we do want to comfort we do not know how to deal with grief and those grieving, and I am generalizing here of course. But on the most part we could all identify a time where we, or someone we know, has uttered the words “Call me if you need anything” or “at least he wasn’t in pain” or “surrounded by ones she loved”.

When it comes to handling bereavement in Ireland we have a tendency to avoid the subject or, worse, the person who is bereaved. Sure, we may offer assistance or a ‘shoulder to cry on’ for a time but what we really want is for the person to stop grieving, stop being in pain and return to normality. Why we do this I don’t know, perhaps we don’t want our loved ones to feel pain but perhaps it is a stark reminder to us how fragile life can be.

Once the bereaved are returning to a form of normality it is assumed that they are resuming their lives but this isn’t always the case. It can take any number of months or years to release the pain of a loss. A dear friend of mine once told me how she felt lost over a year after the death of her younger brother. At this point, most people have vacated the ‘grief circle of support’ and forgotten she still needed that support.

Talking about the deceased can help, there should never be a fear around mentioning memories or names. Emotional outbursts that ensue can help the healing process. Ignoring the bereaved or the deceased will not help the situation.

According to The Irish Hospice Foundation more than 270,000 people are newly bereaved each year in Ireland. In response to this they have recently launched Europe's first website providing online training in bereavement support. The first e-learning course priced at 15 euro is called Lost for Words. There is also a DVD available for 20 euro. Here is a video about bereavement at this time of year (Christmas).

Video from Irish Hospice Foundation, Dr Susan Delaney

Play more

This was an ad for the Xbox, its frightening in the extreme BUT it does have a point, life is short.

Bill United

At the End of Life Forum in Croke Park last month, we were asked to watch this video and give our thoughts on it, some said it was too simplistic, some said it was patronising.

I personally enjoyed the story, the music, lack of vocals, the childish air to it,
What do you think of it?

Short and sweet

I love this film and I think the storyline is so special. This video is a quick glimpse of life with Carl and Ellie from the Disney/Pixar film Up.

No matter what age we die, life can seem too short so enjoy every moment of it with the ones you love.