Happy Christmas Irish Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman  started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The paddy  replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

Paddy died......An Irish Joke

Paddy died. His will provided £40,000 for an elaborate funeral.  

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Colleen turned to her oldest and dearest friend.
"Ah well, Paddy would be pleased," she  said.

"You're right," replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in  close.

"So go on, how much did this really cost?'"
"All of it," said Colleen.  "Forty thousand."


"Aw No!" Mary exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but £40,000?!!!"
Colleen answered, "The funeral was £6,500. I donated £500 to church.  The whisky, wine and snacks were another £500.
The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

Mary  computed  quickly.

"For the love of Mike Colleen, £32,500 for a Memorial Stone?
How big is it?"

Irish Jokes part 2

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

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Paddy was rather sad after viewing the body of a dead atheist.
"There he was. All dressed up and no place to go."


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Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. Seamus fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."


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Irish Joke about Wakes

Why does an irishman's wake last for three days?
To make sure he's really dead and not just drunk.





(and this is a true story!!! No joke!)

Irish Jokes

" I hear Murphy died, " said Pat. "Was he ill long?"
"No," said Mick. "He died in the best of health."

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Paddy was walking through a graveyard when he came across a headstone with the inscription "Here lies a politician and an honest man."
"Faith now," exclaimed Paddy, "I wonder how they got the two of them in one grave."

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Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obituary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary,
"Pete died."
The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary:
"Pete died. Boat for sale"

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"Mike," he says, "I know I'm a goner."
"Oh, Paddy, have faith, ye still have years ahead uv yuh."
"No, Mick, I'm finished an' you've been such a great friend, there's one thing I'd like yuh to do when I'm gone."
"Ahh, Paddy, I'll do anything you ask, I swear it to the Saints and the Holy Mother."
"Well, dear friend, I have been saving a jug of fine whiskey that my brother sent me from Cashel some eight years ago, and I would like you to pour it on me grave when I'm buried."
Mike sits silently for a long time and Pat asks again,
"will you o that for yer oldest friend, Mike?"
Mike draws a big breath and says, "Ye know I will Pat, but would ye mind if I filter it through me kidneys first?'

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Small Irish Joke for the Weekend

What's the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding?

One less drunk!






You have probably heard it a million times but I love it!

What NOT to say at a funeral (humour)

• I should have said something earlier... but I really, really need his kidney.
• Down in front!
• Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma chameleon.
• Better him than me.
• Pick it up - I've got Zumba at 4.
• Whoa. I didn't know we were supposed to dress up.
• You look like you've seen a ghost.
• Did he pay you to come, too?
• Who's the dead guy?
• Is that my beeper - or is he still wearing his?
• See, kids? This is what God does to the bad ones.
• How much for the long black coffee table?
• Can I put my drink here?
• Get up, Jimmy! It's not funny anymore!
• Eeewwww! What cheap flowers!
• Is the karoake after this part?
• He won't be needing that tie anymore, will he?
• Got any smack?
• He looks so peaceful... you'd never know he's burning in Hell right now.
• Does anyone have dibs on his parking space?
• He never liked you.
• Stall long enough, and you never have to return their tools.
• Finally, I can get a picture of him with his mouth shut. Say "cheese".