'Let the pink fluff and sparkles break through’

"But they say that all things happen for a reason. I don’t want to go looking over my shoulder or waving my fist in anger. That was never my style. But the truth of the matter is this: I would never have wanted to go, there would never have been enough time so I am trying to be gracious about it.

I know it is practically illegal to champion all things pink in this all bustling world where being girlie can be mistaken for being stupid. But I would like to be remembered as somebody who believes that fairies live at the bottom of the garden, that unicorns exist but they are simply shy and that angels flutter on all of our shoulders.

There is enough gray in the world already. Let the pink fluff and sparkles breakthrough. There’s enough sadness, suffering, and strife. Let the laughter be heard.

Farewell. Look after each other. Be kind. Be happy. Be grateful. And most of all, be yourself.

Life is short. It is so very, very precious and it’s not a dress rehearsal. So enjoy; eat chocolate, drink strong coffee, have a fabulous glass of wine and buy those clothes; walk in those high heels and let the world know that you are here to work hard and to play even harder."

These were the final words of Irish Author Emma Hannigan. These were the words she wanted to tell the world herself but she knew she would not be around to say them as they were to be spoken at her funeral.

I posted these words across all of my social media channels when she passed away a few weeks ago. A tragic and too soon end to such a vibrant soul. I didn't know Emma but in her final words, I feel like she knew me, or my soul at least. These are words to live by. No wonder she was such a wonderful author. Rest in sparkles Emma, wherever you are. x

Interview Clive Anderson

Clive Anderson has been living in the US for the last 14 years. He is an Irish native from Co Cork who now lives and works just 25 minutes from Times Square in New York City.

He is the owner of Pelham Funeral Home and has been a funeral director and embalmer for over fifteen years. He wasn’t born into the business as many funeral directors are but rather Clive feels as though he was ‘called’ into the service. The moment occuring when Clive lost his father to cancer. His experience of the funeral profession stimulated his desire to help others.

He got his experience in Ireland, initially with Jeremiah O’ Connor & Sons Funeral Home in Co. Cork before immigrating to the United States to get formal training in the funeral profession and working as a funeral service consultant for Matthews International.

Clive believes the Irish deal with death very well, as he said “the whole community stops, Irish Weddings are optional, Funerals are compulsory”. He thinks the American funeral industry has gotten quite commercial and has “forgotten the old ways” of respecting the body. He mentioned the animal kingdom and how animals grieve a loss and that it is a part of the process we should all embrace. He believes spending time with and looking after the body is both respectful of a life lived and a natural part of the grieving process.

Notable funerals that he has had the opportunity to plan included a thrice Powerball (similar to the Lotto) winner and an old Irish man who was homeless and passed away on the streets. He strives to make each funeral unique and special and include as many personal touches to the service as possible and this can include photos of the deceased placed all around the funeral home, their favorite music playing, smells filling the rooms, flags flying and a guest book for all who arrive to sign.



The recipient of several awards, Clive has been recognized by Irish Newspaper, The Irish Echo “40 under 40” for his contributions to the Irish community in the US and was also an aide to the Grand-Marshal of the Irish Business Organization on St Patrick’s Day In NYC. He was honored by the Irish Aisling Center in New York in September 2017.

Online Legacy Part 1/3 - Death on Facebook

Gone are the days that the attic stored thousands of photos and letters and memories. These are all online now in email accounts, on Facebook, Instagram and elsewhere. People now can live beyond death online as a digital persona. However, much that was appropriate while a person was alive may be less so after their death. These photos, videos, tweets, blogs and emails are digital or online assets that may have significant value for family and friends of the deceased. In addition, most social media platforms, with the presentation of accurate documentation, will de-activate the deceased’s account.

For example, on Facebook, you can permanently remove a loved one’s account after their death through a form called ‘Special Request for Deceased Person's Account’, completely removing their profile and all associated content from Facebook, so no one can view it. The next-of-kin or executor of the deceased's estate needs to send a copy of a death certificate along with the deceased’s account details, and the account will then be investigated and removed by Facebook.  OR if you are prepared for your own demise and wish to delete your profile from Facebook upon your death, simply do the following:

• Go to Settings in your Facebook profile page
• From the left menu, click General
• Click Manage Account
• Click Request account deletion and follow the on-screen instructions”

Alternatively, you can alert Facebook to the fact that someone has passed away via a ‘Memorialization Request’ and their profile will be frozen to act as a memorial page where their friends and family can leave wishes, thoughts and memories. When pages are memorialized, they are removed from sidebars, timelines, friend suggestions and searches and the privacy of the account tightens, with only friends from the ‘pre-death’ account able to view the page and “Remembering” is added to their name on their profile page. You can also nominate a Legacy Contact which is a person chosen to look after your account after it has become a memorial page. The legacy contact can respond to friend requests, change the profile and cover photo, as well as request removal or the account. They canNOT log into your actual account, read your messages, or change or remove posts, photos or other things you have shared in the past.  More info here

Arlington - USA's National Cemetery

Arlington National Cemetery is considered the United States of America's most hallowed ground. It is the final resting place for more than 400,000 active military, veterans and their families and it is a sight to behold. For as far as the eye can see, there are grave markers. I couldn't take a photo that did this sight justice. To be there is to experience it fully.

A fully operational national cemetery since May 1864, Arlington conducts between 27 and 30 funeral services each day. It is a unique cemetery in that it is one of the few cemeteries that performs graveside burials with full military honors.

Whichever branch of service the deceased posted with, provide the military honors for the service and the level of military honors received depends on the rank of the deceased. There is one stipulation, ALL service members who die from wounds received as a result of active war duty are eligible to receive full military honors. There is also a group of volunteers called 'The Arlington Ladies' who attend funeral services at the Cemetery to ensure that no Soldier, Sailor, Airman or Coast Guardsman is buried alone.

Funeral Etiquette - mostly Irish!

Although etiquette is now considered ‘old-fashioned’ in many quarters, here are some guidelines to respectful modern-day etiquette for a funeral.

Consider not:

• Allowing toddlers to run around with no parental supervision;
• Answering your mobile phone during any part of the funeral service;
• Pointing out to the next-of-kin which of the deceased’s possessions you would like to have;
• ‘Whispering’ loudly about the deceased during a quiet time of reflection or thought;
• Inquiring about the will and ‘who got what’
• Getting into a road rage when a funeral procession (hearse and accompanying cars) is passing.

Do consider: 

• Offering help or assistance – but be specific: “I will call you tomorrow” or “I will make your dinners for this week”, etc; 
• Paying your respects to all of the family members – they may be wearing a black cross or circle bereavement pins to identify them as grieving (www.mourningcross.com); 
• Remembering the deceased and talking about them; 
• Going to both the removal/wake (if there is one) and/or the funeral service to pay your respects; 
• Calling into the next-of-kin to check up on them in the weeks and months after the funeral; 
• Sitting up near the front of the funeral home/church or other venue where the service will be held. This shows added support for the next-of-kin, close friends and family and most people avoid this area thinking there are more 'important' people coming. Trust me, you will know if you are sitting in someone's seat but more often than not, the immediate family are left isolated at the top of the church/venue.
• Your funeral attire: Were you asked to wear a specific colour or outfit for a themed service? If not, modest clothing in muted colours is always a safe bet to avoid offense or disrespect, and if in doubt, ask someone else who will be in attendance and is close to the immediate friends and family; 
• Doing what you feel comfortable with. Your relationship was with the deceased or their next of kin so in your heart of hearts/gut you KNOW what is approprite to respect their memory. Do it.
• You will know what boundaries there are and, if in doubt, ask. A person grieving is STILL a person.

Funeral directors in Ireland

Typically when someone in Ireland dies, the first thing a family does is to contact a local funeral director or undertaker. A funeral director’s job usually involves:

• Collection of the deceased’s body;
• Preparation of the deceased’s body;
• Embalming the body;
• Provision of a coffin and hearse;
• Provision of transport for the family and guests;
• The organization of, and payment for, the burial plot (if not already paid for);
• Payment for the following disbursements: grave opening or cremation charges, church offerings, newspaper announcements (obituaries);
• Organising flowers and sympathy cards as received.

In general, an invoice from a funeral director should be paid within 30 days. If the account goes into arrears, by Irish law the funds can be paid from the deceased’s estate. Funeral directors in Ireland are not under any legal obligation to display their prices, although members of the Irish Association of Funeral Directors (IAFD) are bound by their Code of Practice (see below) to do so.

The IAFD (www.iafd.ie) has almost 300 members across the island of Ireland, out of an estimated total of 600 operating funeral directors. The IAFD has a Code of Practice that its members must adhere to, which is in effect a Customer Care Charter. It includes a complaints procedure if a customer has an issue.

The IAFD’s Code of Practice requires a funeral director to agree to the following:

• Serve their clients with competence and concern for the client’s best interests;
• Discuss and agree their charges with the next-of-kin in advance, unless expressly asked not to do so;
• Professionalism and quality of service in arranging and conducting the funeral;
• Accurate advertising of prices and services;
• Confidentiality.

The funeral industry in Ireland is one of the few worldwide where there are still no barriers to entry and no licensing or regulation. Yet these businesses are responsible for the burial or

cremation of thousands of people each year. The Forum on End of Life, which

started researching and consulting in the area of End of Life in March 2009, is a project of the Irish Hospice Foundation and its National Council and is chaired by Mrs. Justice Catherine McGuinness. The Forum is currently calling for government regulation of funeral and cremation services, including embalming, as they have reported that some funeral directors are issuing ambiguous invoices to families and particular providers are engaging in financial arrangements with hospital and hospice staff to ensure recommendation.

Between reports like this, media coverage and word-of-mouth, the industry has developed a reputation that is not altogether flattering. So, like every purchase you make, you should consider who your supplier is, their character, background, experience and previous testimonials before signing anything. See blog post 5 Things to Know Before You Visit a Funeral Director for more info!

5 Things to Know Before You Visit a Funeral Director

1. Plan ahead of a funeral home visit: Know what you would like ahead of time because more than likely the undertaker can and will oblige. Not knowing what you want could incur massive costs to you and your family and/or you will walk away not getting what you wished.
2. Compare prices: Funeral prices can vary hugely, even in the same county, so don’t be afraid to ring up and ask for prices ahead of time. Unfortunately, most funeral homes do not display their prices on their websites so a bit of research is required here. Don't be afraid to call them up and ask for quotes.
3. Think local and small: Small, independent funeral homes often can provide you with a better quality and more personal service at a cheaper price, so don’t forget the little guy....
4. Read all about the extras that you may incur if you are not careful: Only purchase what you need and want and get a clear quote. Embalming, grave cover, and pallbearers are all extras that you may not need;
5. Inspect the products you are purchasing as much as is physically possible. Like any event (and a funeral is just that) you should compare and inspect what you are buying. If you were planning a wedding you would want to see examples of the flowers and cake wouldn't you?