Good grief

When I was at the End of Life Forum in Croke Park in October, a lady who had been through a lot for her years, spoke very courageously about her own experiences with death and loss. Most in the audience were moved to tears with her words. One aspect of what she said remained with me. When speaking of the tragedy of losing a baby to still birth she spoke of how people, in an effort to provide comfort in some way, would say “sure at least you didn’t get to meet him” or “at least you didn’t bond with him yet”.

In Ireland we have an innate need to comfort one another with tea, tea and more tea. But while we do want to comfort we do not know how to deal with grief and those grieving, and I am generalizing here of course. But on the most part we could all identify a time where we, or someone we know, has uttered the words “Call me if you need anything” or “at least he wasn’t in pain” or “surrounded by ones she loved”.

When it comes to handling bereavement in Ireland we have a tendency to avoid the subject or, worse, the person who is bereaved. Sure, we may offer assistance or a ‘shoulder to cry on’ for a time but what we really want is for the person to stop grieving, stop being in pain and return to normality. Why we do this I don’t know, perhaps we don’t want our loved ones to feel pain but perhaps it is a stark reminder to us how fragile life can be.

Once the bereaved are returning to a form of normality it is assumed that they are resuming their lives but this isn’t always the case. It can take any number of months or years to release the pain of a loss. A dear friend of mine once told me how she felt lost over a year after the death of her younger brother. At this point, most people have vacated the ‘grief circle of support’ and forgotten she still needed that support.

Talking about the deceased can help, there should never be a fear around mentioning memories or names. Emotional outbursts that ensue can help the healing process. Ignoring the bereaved or the deceased will not help the situation.

According to The Irish Hospice Foundation more than 270,000 people are newly bereaved each year in Ireland. In response to this they have recently launched Europe's first website providing online training in bereavement support. The first e-learning course priced at 15 euro is called Lost for Words. There is also a DVD available for 20 euro. Here is a video about bereavement at this time of year (Christmas).

Video from Irish Hospice Foundation, Dr Susan Delaney

A funeral named Suicide

With recent death of Gary Speed at the weekend, the online and offline media world has been dissecting every part of his life and death. It was announced by the Football Association of Wales that Gary Speed hung himself on November 27th 2011. 


When someone we love takes their own life, it can be so painful for those left behind as they focus on why and how they could have changed the course of events if only they had known. Grief, guilt and anger are emotions that will play a huge part in the days, weeks and months following the death.


The funeral should focus on understanding and empathizing the family’s grief and refrain from rationalization and explanation. The family of a suicide fatality needs comfort. Arrange for loved ones to share good memories about his/her life. Humorous stories are appropriate as they will lift the mood, if even momentarily. If possible, have them write out their comments, as this will prevent any inappropriateness, however unintended, that may cause additional hurt or pain to the family.


It is also important to note that people from different cultural backgrounds are likely to have different ideas about where a person should be buried or where the remains of a dead person should be scattered. If in doubt, contact your local undertaker, church, society or us at Farewell Funeral Planners.

Deathly Cosmetics

Illamasqua have joined forces with Leverton & Sons Funeral Home in London to create what they call the Final Act of Self-Expression. A service, which can be booked as part of a pre-arranged service with the funeral home and costs from £450.
Illamasque say "This unique service encourages people for whom making-up is an intimate part of their identity to plan their final transformation - one that pays tribute to who they were in life and how they want to enter the afterlife ..."
They claim to be ‘encouraging people to self-express and embrace their alter ego in every way’.

So what is involved in post mortem make up? Although law does not require embalming, from a cosmetic view it is preferable that the person is embalmed because appearance is improved. There is a base tint that is often used which looks like a dark orange coloured liquid, and it’s a tint you can brush on the face to remove the ashen look. From there you can use any kind of makeup. Cadaver makeup can be very thick and is quite comparable to theatre makeup. Lipstick, blush and Mascara would be the usual requirements.

Men are usually quite easy because they don’t usually wear makeup in life. So with males, they would get some form of base and that’s it. There can be racial differences too.

It is a celebration of life, and one that could be indulged for your last glamorous look.

A final Farewell to Ned Kelly

The 19th-century bushranger Notorious Ned Kelly will get a final farewell at a private funeral 130 years after he was hanged in a Victorian jail for shooting a policeman. This week, Kelly's family received the news they were hoping for - that his last wish to be buried with his family would come true.

But as in his short life, there is controversy in his death. His grave will no doubt attract tourists from far and wide and fans of his story and the books and films that his story is depicted in, will have an interest in visiting his final resting place too. A legendary and almost mythical figure, Kelly is regarded by some as a down and out thief and murderer but according to fans of the legend, he was a champion of the underclass in an unforgiving society.

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This was an ad for the Xbox, its frightening in the extreme BUT it does have a point, life is short.

Bill United

At the End of Life Forum in Croke Park last month, we were asked to watch this video and give our thoughts on it, some said it was too simplistic, some said it was patronising.

I personally enjoyed the story, the music, lack of vocals, the childish air to it,
What do you think of it?

A real life love story

An American couple who had been married for 72 years, died one hour apart last week in hospital as they held hands. The story of Iowa natives Gordon, 94, and Norma Yeager, 90, seems a real-life love story.

Their son Dennis Yeager said "They're very old-fashioned. They believed in marriage till death do you part, they just loved being together ”. Dennis describes how the couple left home to go into town, but didn't make it. At a highway intersection they crashed their car into another. Apparently in the intensive care unit, the nurses knew not to separate Gordon and Norma.

Gordon died at 3:38 pm still holding hands with his wife while their family looked on.

"Neither one of them would've wanted to be without each other. I couldn't figure out how it was going to work," said a family member. "We were very blessed, honestly, that they went this way."

At their funeral service, Norma and Gordon continued to hold hands in their casket. They were to be cremated and their ashes mixed together.

The inseparable couple got engaged and married within 12 hours on May 26, 1939 - the same day Norma Yeager graduated from high school.

A family member said "All their life has been together, so, when it came to the funeral home, we asked, 'Can we have them put in the casket together holding hands?' Because that's the way their life was."