Legal Ireland

Almost half of the population in Ireland dies intestate, which means without making a will. More than likely they assumed a will did not matter or that their parents, children or siblings

automatically would inherit their possessions.

This is a common misunderstanding and, unfortunately, is not always the case. When someone dies, all of their possessions, finances, and property are brought together, debts are paid off and the remainder is distributed as specified in the will. The deceased’s partner (spouse or civil partner) has certain legal entitlements that cannot be altered, regardless of what is detailed in the will.

If someone has died testate, which means they have made a will, their possessions and property will be distributed as they dictated. If they have failed to elect an executor, an administrator will have to be nominated, typically a solicitor or the next-of-kin.

If there is a will and an executor has been appointed, then the executor will deal with the estate. This means that the executor distributes the estate in accordance with the will and the law and also ensures that the partner (spouse or civil partner) is aware of their right to a legal right share.

The law governing the distribution of the deceased person’s possessions applies when the deceased died Intestate or the will has been denied probate because it has not been made properly or a challenge to it has been successful. To ensure that you have completed a legally binding and

correct will, use a reputable solicitor.

If a will has been denied probate because it has not been made properly or a challenge to it has been successful then the deceased’s estate (their possessions) will be distributed in the following way:

• If the deceased died with a living partner but no children, their partner will get the entire estate;
• If the deceased had a partner and children, their partner gets two-thirds of the estate and the remaining one-third is divided equally among their children; If the deceased had children but no partner, the estate is divided equally among their children;
• If the deceased had no children or partner, then the estate is given, equally, to any living parent of the
• deceased; Where there is no children, partner or parents, the estate is divided, equally, amongst any surviving siblings of the deceased;
• Where there is no children, partner, parents or siblings, the estate will be divided, equally, amongst whoever are the closest relatives at the time of death;
• Unfortunately, if there are no surviving relatives at all, the estate goes to the State. In the case of a cohabiting couple, the deceased’s partner has no legal rights to the estate, although under the Civil Partnership and Certain Rights and Obligations of Cohabitants Act, 2010, a qualified cohabitant may apply for provision from the estate of a deceased cohabitant.
• Speak with your solicitor about any unresolved issues, disputes, questions or queries you may have concerning a loved one’s estate. You will find additional legal information in the Citizens Information Board free booklet, Bereavement.

Life Celebrations Ireland

A funeral is a service for respecting and remembering the life of the deceased. In order to fully remember their life in death, I believe that parts of their life should be entwined respectfully into their funeral service. A body does not need to be present for a memorial to take place.

If the person was musical, then music could play a large part in the service; if they liked books, someone could read from their favourite authors, books or poems; if they were artistic, perhaps works of art could be displayed. If they were a real ‘people’ person, perhaps friends could contribute to the service. Did they bake? Did they play golf or football? Did they act or dance?

Incorporate all that the deceased loved in life into the service that says farewell. This way, you will truly represent them and celebrate the presence they held in your life.

So, some ideas to consider:

• Transport: Instead of a hearse transporting the body, you could organise a motorcycle or horse-drawn hearse, or a favourite vehicle of the deceased. These are widely available and accessible in funeral homes across Ireland. The family could follow a hearse on horse, bikes, motorcycles, running, walking or whatever was personal to the deceased;

• Music: Have someone musical sing a song, play an instrument, compose a piece of music or even just organise the musical elements of the funeral service, or reception;

• Words: Usually, there will be a friend or family member who will feel comfortable sharing a story or an anecdote, reading a prayer or saying the eulogy. Involve as many of these people as possible, as it will make the funeral much more personal;

• Images: Most people have a wide variety of friends, clubs, family, networks, work associates and

colleagues and each of them know the deceased in a different way. Allow them to share through imagery their own personal memory of the deceased;

• Video: Similar to images, there may be videos of friends, family or work events that included the

deceased. Allow someone to take charge of compiling a video with music to showcase during the service or at the reception;

• Greeters: This can be a great way to involve children and teenagers who may not understand what is

happening or don’t know how to express themselves. It is a task that doesn’t require a huge amount of responsibility as they are simply greeting people as they enter the venue and guiding them to their seat or handing them an order of service. Including them in the service is very important for their grieving process and gives them something practical to focus on;

• Pallbearers: Typically, six men – usually close family or friends – fill the roles of pallbearer at the funeral. Don’t be afraid to deviate from tradition: if there are women interested, allow them to get involved;

• Service: Is there a friend or family member who can perform the ceremony or service? If so, inviting them to get involved in this capacity can be another way to personalise the funeral. Depending on the deceased’s religion, there may be freedom to personalise a service;

• Design: An artist in the family or a graphic designer colleague may wish to participate creatively in the funeral through using their skills and creating an

image for display, or designing the order of service booklet or a personal memorial favour for guests to take away with them;

• Reception: The reception allows a lot more freedom for personalisation as a service can be dependent on religious beliefs. Here you can become more creative, choosing to serve only the deceased’s favourite drink or food, play only their taste in music or hire their favourite band, etc;

• Graveyard release: At the burial, you might like to release some doves, butterflies or balloons to signify the release of the body, soul or spirit, depending on your beliefs.

Got some questions about Digital Legacies? We all have one.

The funeral reception

In simple terms, your choice of venue for a funeral reception is between holding it at home (the deceased’s home or that of a close relative) or in an external venue (a hired hall or hotel,

restaurant, club or pub). Sometimes it is not an easy choice but often the choice has already been decided, through the deceased’s requests or ‘because that is what he/she would have wanted’. This can help relieve a great deal of decision-making. But for those that still have to make the choice or would just like to know what each option holds, below I have detailed the issues to consider with each.

House versus Venue

House:

• Transport to and from the house: Where is the house located? Is it on a quiet street without much parking or with ‘pay and display’ parking? Is it down a very tight country lane where accidents are common? Does it have a large driveway that will accommodate some cars? How far from the church or funeral service is it? Is it easy to find? Perhaps a few designated directors

can guide people to the house from the service;

• Need to put certain areas ‘off limit’: This is someone’s home, maybe the deceased’s, or their family home. Either way, you need people to be respectful and to facilitate that you need to set some boundaries. If possible, lock bedroom doors or any ‘off limit’ areas. Put any and all valuables or precious items into these locked rooms;

• Provide maps: Even with all the technology around today, it never hurts to supply people with a physical and easy-to-read map with directions to the house, to make sure you don’t lose anyone en route;

• Immediate family only or all invited: This is a personal decision to make but also one to think about

logisitically. How popular was the deceased? Will everyone who was at the service attend the reception? Will people who could not make the service come to the reception? How many can the house and the food / drink cater for? Would a more quiet, ‘family only’ affair be more respectful and more tasteful?

• No peace and quiet: A common issue with having a reception in your own home is that there is no escape. You cannot retire to bed or relax on your couch and collect your thoughts, cry, laugh, reminisce or scream if you have invited people into your home. Everywhere you go in the house, you will find people who will want to sympathize with you;

• Marquee option: Having a reception in your home is a lovely idea but, if you expect numbers to exceed space you have available to cater for them, consider the option of hiring a marquee and placing it in the back or front garden. It will still have that homely feel but will ease the impact on your home;

Catering: 
Another critical aspect of having a reception in a home is catering for everyone. Typically, people are hungry after a funeral service – thirsty, too. Can you afford / do you have the space to cater for them all? Do you have the kitchen facilities to do it? Will it be finger food, buffet or a three-course meal? Can friends, family and neighbors bring a dish or some sandwiches and help out? It will certainly ease stress if a caterer can come and have all the food and drink (including cups of tea and coffee – a favorite at events such as funerals) prepared for you when you arrive home from the service and will clear up when you are finished. They also can supply the extra cutlery and glassware that would otherwise have to be rented or borrowed.

Venue:

• Transport to and from: Often a central venue in the local town or city center can be the best choice when it comes to transport. Typically, there is ample parking, directions to the venue are known, and roads and paths are well-lit and secure.

• Local or long distance: Did the deceased drink in a particular bar or visit a particular hotel or restaurant regularly? This could be ideal for the reception. Another option is to think of a venue where perhaps the deceased always wanted to visit. Choosing venues can be dependent on whether you wish to ask people to travel long distances. Elderly people may not be able to commit to the travel;

• Book accommodation: Depending on how far people must travel for the funeral service, you may have to provide them with accommodation information such as local bed and breakfasts or hotels. If you are holding the reception in a hotel, you might be able to negotiate a discount on rooms booked;

• House-sitters: If you choose to have the reception in a local hotel, it is sad, but often burglars are aware of this fact. The deceased’s details have been printed in the newspaper and this house is now empty, with potentially dozens of others on the same road or in the same estate as the deceased. All of these home-owners will be at the hotel at the reception. Safeguard yourself and your home against these opportunists and have a house-sitter mind your home, leave a radio or a TV on, make sure an alarm has been fitted to your home and leave some lights on. Give the impression someone is

home;

• Opportunity to get away if needed: A bonus to having a reception in a hotel, club, bar or local restaurant is that it is easy to slip away for some peace and quiet if you need to. Funerals can be very tiring and emotional experiences and while some people will wish to celebrate the deceased life long into the night, others will feel tired very fast and require some sleep or just a few moments alone;

• Music and entertainment: Having an external venue look after the reception also means that you can hire professionals to provide entertainment for your guests – maybe the deceased’s favorite band or trad singer or pianist?

Catering: 
Again, choosing a venue takes care of the catering issue. Professionals will cater to everyone’s taste and price. You can choose to pay for everything, or allow everyone to order for themselves or you can order some smaller items and if people wish to have more they can pay for it.

Regardless of which option you choose, home or external venue, there are still more decisions to make. Food and drink options will be similar whether the reception is held in the home or in a public house:

• Will you have a special toast for the deceased?

• Is there a special menu you would like to supply in honour of the deceased?

• Will you supply a buffet, finger food or sit down menu? What time will it be served at?

• Will you supply a free bar/limited bar or have people pay for/bring their own?

Another option could be to have a family sit-down dinner immediately after the service and meet up with everyone else in a broader reception afterward. Always keep some food aside; this might seem like a waste but it will not be. This food is for the immediate family who may or may not eat during the reception as they will be chatting with everyone and accepting sympathies. This food will be greatly appreciated after the reception when everyone has gone home.

Wakes Ireland

According to Wikipedia, a wake is:

A ceremony associated with death. Traditionally, a wake takes place in the house of the deceased, with the body present; however, modern wakes are often performed at a funeral home.

The Oxford English Dictionary describes a wake as: A watch or vigil held beside the body of someone who has died, sometimes accompanied by ritual observances, or a party held after a funeral.

Historically, a wake was the process of laying out the body of a departed (deceased) relative in the family home and watching over them from the time of death until the body is taken into the care of the church. The body is usually laid out in the parlour (living room or bedroom). Family, friends, and neighbours attend. Typically, a large amount of food and drink was consumed over the period of mourning. In Ireland today, wakes are still thought of as part of an Irish funeral, although they have altered slightly and happen more frequently in country towns and villages than in Irish cities. So where did it all come from? The true origins of the wake are foggy but the custom appears to date back to an ancient Jewish custom of leaving the sepulchre (burial chamber, vault, tomb, or grave) of the deceased open for three days before finally closing it up. This time allows family

members to visit, which they typically did in the hope of seeing signs of a return to life.

A myth that might be a basis for the Irish wake suggests that, in medieval times, people who drank from pewter tankards would suffer from lead poisoning, a symptom of which would be a catatonic state causing the person to appear dead only for them to recover or awaken a few hours

or days later!

Whatever the origins, there are specific steps that need to be followed in order to perform a historically accurate Irish wake:

• Family members and neighbours – typically women experienced in laying out the body – gather at the house of the deceased;

• The body is washed and dressed, usually in white;

• A bed is prepared for the body to rest on;

• If the deceased is a man, he is shaved;

• Sheets are hung over the bed and along two or three sides;

• A crucifix is placed at the throat of the deceased and rosary beads are entwined between the fingers;

• Candles are lit around the body;

• The clocks in the house are stopped and curtains closed as a mark of respect for the deceased;

• All mirrors in the house are turned toward the wall or covered.

A wake is most famously remembered for the keening (crying), as the women who prepared the body join the family in mourning. The preparations and the keening carry on until the arrival of any family members who may have been abroad. The deceased is never left unattended for the entire period of the wake. A person, generally a woman or a few women, sit nearby and watch over the body. When a mourner enters the room, they make their way to the side of the body, kneel down and silently recite prayers. Traditionally, the mourners then sympathise with the family before leaving. Visitations

last until midnight and food and drink are served throughout. Men typically congregate outside if it is not too cold or in the kitchen if it is winter, while the women care for the deceased or can be found in the kitchen making tea and sandwiches for visitors. The Rosary is recited at least once around the body and is led by a priest.

A wake can last a number of days, ending when the body is ‘removed’ from the home and brought to the church for a short service, known today as a removal.

There are two funeral services for the deceased, which is still relatively common in Ireland today. One is the removal, which occurs in the evening when the body is ‘removed’ from the home to the church; the second is held before the body is taken from the church to the graveyard or crematorium the next day.

'Let the pink fluff and sparkles break through’

"But they say that all things happen for a reason. I don’t want to go looking over my shoulder or waving my fist in anger. That was never my style. But the truth of the matter is this: I would never have wanted to go, there would never have been enough time so I am trying to be gracious about it.

I know it is practically illegal to champion all things pink in this all bustling world where being girlie can be mistaken for being stupid. But I would like to be remembered as somebody who believes that fairies live at the bottom of the garden, that unicorns exist but they are simply shy and that angels flutter on all of our shoulders.

There is enough gray in the world already. Let the pink fluff and sparkles breakthrough. There’s enough sadness, suffering, and strife. Let the laughter be heard.

Farewell. Look after each other. Be kind. Be happy. Be grateful. And most of all, be yourself.

Life is short. It is so very, very precious and it’s not a dress rehearsal. So enjoy; eat chocolate, drink strong coffee, have a fabulous glass of wine and buy those clothes; walk in those high heels and let the world know that you are here to work hard and to play even harder."

These were the final words of Irish Author Emma Hannigan. These were the words she wanted to tell the world herself but she knew she would not be around to say them as they were to be spoken at her funeral.

I posted these words across all of my social media channels when she passed away a few weeks ago. A tragic and too soon end to such a vibrant soul. I didn't know Emma but in her final words, I feel like she knew me, or my soul at least. These are words to live by. No wonder she was such a wonderful author. Rest in sparkles Emma, wherever you are. x

Interview Clive Anderson

Clive Anderson has been living in the US for the last 14 years. He is an Irish native from Co Cork who now lives and works just 25 minutes from Times Square in New York City.

He is the owner of Pelham Funeral Home and has been a funeral director and embalmer for over fifteen years. He wasn’t born into the business as many funeral directors are but rather Clive feels as though he was ‘called’ into the service. The moment occuring when Clive lost his father to cancer. His experience of the funeral profession stimulated his desire to help others.

He got his experience in Ireland, initially with Jeremiah O’ Connor & Sons Funeral Home in Co. Cork before immigrating to the United States to get formal training in the funeral profession and working as a funeral service consultant for Matthews International.

Clive believes the Irish deal with death very well, as he said “the whole community stops, Irish Weddings are optional, Funerals are compulsory”. He thinks the American funeral industry has gotten quite commercial and has “forgotten the old ways” of respecting the body. He mentioned the animal kingdom and how animals grieve a loss and that it is a part of the process we should all embrace. He believes spending time with and looking after the body is both respectful of a life lived and a natural part of the grieving process.

Notable funerals that he has had the opportunity to plan included a thrice Powerball (similar to the Lotto) winner and an old Irish man who was homeless and passed away on the streets. He strives to make each funeral unique and special and include as many personal touches to the service as possible and this can include photos of the deceased placed all around the funeral home, their favorite music playing, smells filling the rooms, flags flying and a guest book for all who arrive to sign.



The recipient of several awards, Clive has been recognized by Irish Newspaper, The Irish Echo “40 under 40” for his contributions to the Irish community in the US and was also an aide to the Grand-Marshal of the Irish Business Organization on St Patrick’s Day In NYC. He was honored by the Irish Aisling Center in New York in September 2017.

Funeral Etiquette - mostly Irish!

Although etiquette is now considered ‘old-fashioned’ in many quarters, here are some guidelines to respectful modern-day etiquette for a funeral.

Consider not:

• Allowing toddlers to run around with no parental supervision;
• Answering your mobile phone during any part of the funeral service;
• Pointing out to the next-of-kin which of the deceased’s possessions you would like to have;
• ‘Whispering’ loudly about the deceased during a quiet time of reflection or thought;
• Inquiring about the will and ‘who got what’
• Getting into a road rage when a funeral procession (hearse and accompanying cars) is passing.

Do consider: 

• Offering help or assistance – but be specific: “I will call you tomorrow” or “I will make your dinners for this week”, etc; 
• Paying your respects to all of the family members – they may be wearing a black cross or circle bereavement pins to identify them as grieving (www.mourningcross.com); 
• Remembering the deceased and talking about them; 
• Going to both the removal/wake (if there is one) and/or the funeral service to pay your respects; 
• Calling into the next-of-kin to check up on them in the weeks and months after the funeral; 
• Sitting up near the front of the funeral home/church or other venue where the service will be held. This shows added support for the next-of-kin, close friends and family and most people avoid this area thinking there are more 'important' people coming. Trust me, you will know if you are sitting in someone's seat but more often than not, the immediate family are left isolated at the top of the church/venue.
• Your funeral attire: Were you asked to wear a specific colour or outfit for a themed service? If not, modest clothing in muted colours is always a safe bet to avoid offense or disrespect, and if in doubt, ask someone else who will be in attendance and is close to the immediate friends and family; 
• Doing what you feel comfortable with. Your relationship was with the deceased or their next of kin so in your heart of hearts/gut you KNOW what is approprite to respect their memory. Do it.
• You will know what boundaries there are and, if in doubt, ask. A person grieving is STILL a person.

Funeral directors in Ireland

Typically when someone in Ireland dies, the first thing a family does is to contact a local funeral director or undertaker. A funeral director’s job usually involves:

• Collection of the deceased’s body;
• Preparation of the deceased’s body;
• Embalming the body;
• Provision of a coffin and hearse;
• Provision of transport for the family and guests;
• The organization of, and payment for, the burial plot (if not already paid for);
• Payment for the following disbursements: grave opening or cremation charges, church offerings, newspaper announcements (obituaries);
• Organising flowers and sympathy cards as received.

In general, an invoice from a funeral director should be paid within 30 days. If the account goes into arrears, by Irish law the funds can be paid from the deceased’s estate. Funeral directors in Ireland are not under any legal obligation to display their prices, although members of the Irish Association of Funeral Directors (IAFD) are bound by their Code of Practice (see below) to do so.

The IAFD (www.iafd.ie) has almost 300 members across the island of Ireland, out of an estimated total of 600 operating funeral directors. The IAFD has a Code of Practice that its members must adhere to, which is in effect a Customer Care Charter. It includes a complaints procedure if a customer has an issue.

The IAFD’s Code of Practice requires a funeral director to agree to the following:

• Serve their clients with competence and concern for the client’s best interests;
• Discuss and agree their charges with the next-of-kin in advance, unless expressly asked not to do so;
• Professionalism and quality of service in arranging and conducting the funeral;
• Accurate advertising of prices and services;
• Confidentiality.

The funeral industry in Ireland is one of the few worldwide where there are still no barriers to entry and no licensing or regulation. Yet these businesses are responsible for the burial or

cremation of thousands of people each year. The Forum on End of Life, which

started researching and consulting in the area of End of Life in March 2009, is a project of the Irish Hospice Foundation and its National Council and is chaired by Mrs. Justice Catherine McGuinness. The Forum is currently calling for government regulation of funeral and cremation services, including embalming, as they have reported that some funeral directors are issuing ambiguous invoices to families and particular providers are engaging in financial arrangements with hospital and hospice staff to ensure recommendation.

Between reports like this, media coverage and word-of-mouth, the industry has developed a reputation that is not altogether flattering. So, like every purchase you make, you should consider who your supplier is, their character, background, experience and previous testimonials before signing anything. See blog post 5 Things to Know Before You Visit a Funeral Director for more info!

Ted dream come true

Officially a Talker of Ted!

So it finally happened, a dream come true, another bucket list item ticked off, a career milestone, a personal mountain conquered – I finally stood on a Ted stage and did a ‘Ted Talk’ and boy, did it not disappoint!

Anxious and stressed in the days leading up to it, I was frequently frustrated with people dismissing my worries with a typically Irish phrase for dealing with things “Sure you'll be grand, not a bother to ya” and an emphasis on my perceived confidence. I say perceived because apparently, I give off an impression that nothing fazes me and have an almost uber confident aura. Nothing could be further from the truth. Aside from the weeks of stressing that my speech wasn’t ever going to be good enough, my message not clear enough, 5 minutes wasn’t long enough, 5 minutes was too long, my attire too bright, my attire not bright enough, my topic too boring, my story not relevant or that ill probably fall on my ass while walking on stage, they were minor to the 24 hours leading up to the ‘talk’.

I was working from home, finalizing orders, new designs, writing and analyzing blogs, sending out press releases etc etc, all in a days work…, when I got a call asking me to come into Newstalk (Irish Radio Station) for a radio interview. ‘Brilliant’ I say and accept wholeheartedly, excited for the opportunity. I hang up and immediately think F@£K what did I do that for, that’s gonna raise the anxiety levels a few notches…NOT something I need the night before my talk. As I usually do, I think feck it, roll with it, go with the flow. Running out the door I decide I should use the bathroom really quick – nothing worse for your nerves than shaky legs! Stupidly forgetting my phone was in my back pocket, my lovely iPhone gets acquainted with the toilet bowl water and dies stone dead. JUST when I needed it most. No time to think, I run out the door to Newstalk, the interview goes well, I cry, Ivan(presenter) doesn’t and the show goes on – apparently, the Hard Shoulder should be called the Cold Shoulder (I love my fellow pet loving community!).

I arrive home to some seriously fabulous family news and I cry all over again, by now I am an emotional wreck! Sleep comes hard and fast that night thank god but I wake early next morning (D Day!) to messages from friends cancelling their spot in the Ted audience, which although understandable, sends me into another emotional downward spiral of feeling let down, not important enough, not good enough, all of which are untrue but still weighed me down. Then to add further woe, I slick on some facial moisturizer that I use every day and break out in huge red blotches all over my face. NOT a good look.

An antihistamine, a chat with mom and an old boss later and I'm standing in the dressing room doing final prep work for Ted. I slick on a bit of red lipstick, put on my grim reaper cloak and a quick blur later and I'm walking off stage to rapturous applause, a WOW from the compare and I'm buzzing with endorphins and YESSSSSS I did it vibe.

Like practically every bucket list item I have ticked off, part of the joy ride is the pre event tears, tantrums, and anxieties but after every single one – running a marathon, writing a published book, skydiving, moving countries the absolute buzz of having accomplished something I only dreamed possible and the wonderful feeling of having pushed myself to my (deemed) limits, I ALWAYS always feel so unbelieveably proud and can smile knowing that from this day forward, I did this and no one, not one person can ever take away the fact that I did it and as that old crooner would say, I certainly did it my way ;-)

ACTUAL footage of me talking Ted ;-)

Prepared transcript of speech->

My name is Jennifer and I am fascinated with funerals.

THROW OFF CLOAK

Not what you were expecting?

My nickname is the Glam Reaper, aptly named for my weird interest in the funeral business but unlike the idea of that grim reaper cloak I try to bring love and life to the death business.

Today I want to share with you a story that I have not typically shared when interviewed.

Rewind to 8 years ago. I had just come home from Cuba. Holiday of a lifetime.

To bad news.

She had had a stroke. Several actually.

Me and my family had a big decision to make.

A decision between life and death.

We brought her to the hospital clinging on for dear life.

She had a little bit of food stuck to her nose.

She was so innocent and vulnerable.

Once so full of life. She just lay there. limp.

me and mom hugged each other as we watched as the light leave her eyes. She never took her eyes from ours.

PAUSE

Now let me tell you that this lil lady was my best friend, she was my confidente, I could have told her anything and she would have wagged her tail, licked my wounds and encouraged me to go for a walk!! Yes folks I have been talking about my dog

Does your perception of the story change?

Do you have any less sympathy for me?

Some of you probably even said “Oh for god sake its just a dog!!’

And I get it. But FOR ME. At that time. she was my whole world.

We'd been through childhood, the terrible teenage years when you feel the whole world is against you right through to adulthood.

Zero judgement, unconditional love every single day.

In interviews I have always been careful not to compare the loss of a dog to the loss of a human for fear of judgement.

So I buried my grief. And I'm not alone.

I've recently talked to a number of people who also experienced grief judgement.

People who lost uncles that were like dads.

Cousins who were like brothers.

All felt uncomfortable in their grief for fear of judgement.

Grief is uncomfortable enough without the added weight of protecting ourselves from judgment. From friends. From family. From colleagues. From strangers.

Loss is LOSS

Who are we to judge ANYONE who is grieving.

We all grieve differently. A set of twins who lose their mother will grieve completely differently.

Grief is as unique as our heart beat, our DNA, our fingerprint.

Who are you to judge?

If I lose my mother and you lose your mother, will we grieve the same?

No way my moms the best and because I love my mom more than you!!

What??

I am not you, I don’t know what your grief is to you.

What it feels like every day.

To wake up with it in the morning. Fall asleep with it that night.

There should be no judgment, no men don’t cry, no time limit on it.

Its YOUR grief.

PAUSE

Do you like my necklace? You probably can't see it right now but

This beautiful necklace around my neck contains the ashes of that beloved dog Roxy.

I bet your judging me now! Crack pot!

I created this jewellery with that ‘lack of judgement’ in mind after my granny died.

She had given me a miraculous medal as most Irish grannies did to keep me whole and keep me pure ;-)

When she died I wore it as a way to remember her but of course I was young and trying to fit in.

Suddenly I was a ‘holy joe’ or the ‘virgin mary’.

So much so I took it off.

I specifically designed these pieces NOT to broadcast what they are, they don’t scream HEY I HAVE SOMEONES ASHES AROUND MY NECK!

Because grieving is personal and if I want to share I will and If I don’t I wont.

I don’t need your judgment.

There is no blue print for grief, I have yet to meet two people who have grieved the same.

So tonight, today, tomorrow, next week, lets go easy on each other, and lets simply STOP judging each other.

Top 5 tips to save money on funerals in Ireland

Today I was asked to speak on Newstalk FM (and Irish nationwide radio station) on the fact that recent research by Royal London had found that two out of three people underestimate the cost of funerals and almost one-third significantly underestimate the cost of funerals in Ireland, putting it at between €1,000 and €3,000.

I gave as much info as I could in a 20-minute conversation with the ever eager and fascinating Ivan but I did want to follow up with a top 5 tips on how to save money...I don't know if you want them now (and are listening to me and my PREPLAN!!! advice) or if you might need them at a later date...in which case you probably won't be googling this.... but how and ever, here they are.....

1. Shop around!!! This might sound tacky and the last thing you want to do when you have lost a loved one, which is why I recommend PREPLANNING, but it is entirely possible to cover a few different funeral director visits in a few hours physically, or even better phone them up. Even better again? Have someone else you trust do this research for you as you will be under immense pressure and emotional stress and the last thing you need is more stress.
2. Go with Natural/Woodland burial - try the greengraveyard.com guys. They do all sorts of coffins and you lose the headstone costs, the embalming costs etc so worth checking out. Plus an added bonus is it is good for the environment and oh so pretty.
3. Cut out the frills! No Cars to escort you (most have our own or can borrow), no flowers, no headstones, posh-all-frills coffins etc. Ask friends to help with graphic design and printing of the booklets, memorial sheets. Have friends provide the music, be a celebrant etc. All these cost cutting ways often make it more personal too. My book has more info on this!
4. Direct to cremation - no church, chapel, service at all. No embalming, coffin etc. When you get the remains back you can have a shindig in the house...I might go for this option myself...might put it in as a backup, depending on available funds!
5. PREPLAN/Prepaid funeral plans obviously have their advantages if I haven't stated them enough? It pays to think ahead. Let's leave it at that. The LEAST you should do is fill in this plan here, tell someone where it is and at least you're being helpful! ;-)

Have Your Say in Life and Death

This October the Irish Hospice Foundation holds its Forum on 'End of Life’ which will reveal interesting findings of Ireland's 'Have Your Say' survey (held last year) where thousands of people across Ireland shared their personal thoughts on dying, death and bereavement. Main findings show people fear 'dying in pain' and want dignity, comfort and care at end of life. People worry most about their family and bereavement support.

“You and I get only one chance to die and 2,500 people had their say last year on what makes a good death. By sharing their thoughts they are helping us create an Irish charter on death, dying and bereavement. We believe in quality end-of-life care, supporting each person to live as well as possible to the end and enabling those left behind to grieve well. We are looking forward to revealing all survey findings on October 10th at our Forum,”

Angela Edghill, Advocacy, and Public Engagement Manager, Irish Hospice Foundation.

“Conversations around death are never easy but people are more than willing to share their views when asked.  They only need to be encouraged. This is the aim of Forum 2017 ‘Your Life, Your Death, Your Say – allowing the conversation to continue about dying, death and bereavement in Ireland’.

“Our last Forum was fully booked attracting 350 people from all walks of life. This year the inspirational Justice Catherine McGuinness will speak about human rights at end of life. RTE Broadcaster David McCullagh will chair a panel discussion on pain, grief, and dignity. Panellists include Senator Marie Louise O’Donnell, Micheál Ó Muircheartaigh, and Dr. Tony Foley.  Keynote speaker is Professor Jenny Kitzinger from Cardiff University who co-directs the ‘Coma and Disorders of Consciousness Research Centre’ and she will examine the challenges around how decisions are made when the patient has lost the ability to make choices for themselves,” said Ms Edghill.

Forum 2017 includes several workshops such as ‘Children Grieve Too’, ‘Supporting Staff through Loss and Bereavement’ and ‘Planning for your Future: What Should we Ask Ourselves?’

Attendees will hear people’s views on a range of issues such as challenges facing health professionals when discussing pain, treatment decisions, death, grief, dignity and caring for people at end of life.

The event takes place in Dublin Castle on Tuesday 10th October from 9am – 4pm and all are welcome. Early registration is advised. Tickets are €60 including lunch and refreshments with €30 Concession tickets (limited availability for students, non-working, and senior citizens). Online registration is at hospicefoundation.ie or call 01 679 3188.

A Eulogy - what is it and how to write one

The word eulogy comes from two Greek words, eu meaning ‘good’ and logos meaning ‘word’ or ‘thought’. A eulogy is a speech in praise of or tribute to a dead person.

It can be very difficult to deliver a eulogy when you are grieving. Public speaking or writing a speech can be daunting under the best of circumstances but, when someone you love or care deeply about has died, being asked to “say a few words” at the funeral service can feel like a thousand-ton weight on your shoulders.

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Now this means to the average person that, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. (Jerry Seinfeld)

A eulogy should be a healing experience, for you and for the deceased’s family and friends.

Here are a few tips to help you:

• Write the eulogy in a form that will help you to deliver it. This can be key words on paper or a computer tablet, bullet points, a slide show or a full speech written out;

• Use your memories and ask the deceased’s family and friends for their stories;

• Sometimes, the most poignant eulogies can be read like a letter to the deceased;

• Your eulogy can include absolutely any type of words you like: humorous, sad, poetic, thought provoking, inspiring, dramatic, anything;

• It may help to think about the big achievements in the deceased’s life, the hurdles they overcame, the milestones they reached;

• Don’t be afraid to use poetry or quotations if they mean something to you, friends or family; it doesn’t matter whether it’s the words to a pop song or a Shakespearean quote;

• Try to avoid clichés or common eulogy sentences, such as “We are here today to mourn the death of (name) …” or “(Name) will be sorely missed by all …”;

• You’re not on your own; others are grieving too. If you have to stop in the middle to compose yourself, don’t panic;

• Consider ending with a farewell to the deceased using

a piece of music or a video or a reading.

Few of us are saintly, but the eulogy should concentrate on what was positive in the deceased person’s life; if you must mention the negative, try to do so in humour.

Follow this advice and you will not go far wrong:

• Start with what you know: What you know is your relationship with the deceased, so start with your

memories, take out old photo albums or get online and go through some photos of you both to jog your memories. Remember the good times as well as the bad;

• Make a list about the person: Include details such as dates – birth, marriage, children, work dates, etc; names – spouse/partner, children, grandchildren; locations – childhood, teen years, trips abroad, etc; work life; hobbies; achievements;

• Seek out what you don’t know: Talk to the deceased’s family, friends, members of groups they belonged to about what they remember of the deceased;

• Humour: In the midst of mourning, your audience will appreciate some light-hearted, tasteful humour; referring to an anecdote, funny quote or accidental mishap is generally appreciated. But be careful – you’re not auditioning for stand-up comedy!

• Create your flow: Every speech or piece of writing should have a beginning, middle and an end – your eulogy should too. Interpret that chronologically or based on lifetime milestones – whatever seems appropriate;

• Time: Depending on the circumstances (religious ceremony or not), a eulogy should be no longer than 10 minutes and probably no shorter than two or three minutes. Speak slowly and calmly. Give yourself time and allow the audience to take in your words;

• Practice makes perfect: Practise your eulogy with close family or friends because they may wish to change some of what you say or add to it.

NOTE: If you’re delivering a eulogy for someone who has taken their own life, focus on understanding and empathising with the family’s grief and refrain from rationalisation and explanation. Arrange for loved ones to share good memories about his / her life. Humorous stories can be appropriate as they will lift the mood, if even momentarily, but be cautious. If possible, have anyone wishing to speak about the deceased write out their comments, as this will prevent any inappropriateness, however unintended, that may cause additional hurt or pain to the family.

The First Steps to take when someone dies.....

(IRELAND ONLY)

If you are reading this post, it is likely someone – someone close to you – has died and you are responsible for what happens next. So the first thing you need to do is not panic.

Have you contacted any of the following:

If the death did not take place in a hospital, you must contact the local doctor. Do not move anything until an official pronouncement of death has been made by the doctor.

Relax, take some deep breaths and sit down with a pen and paper. The next few days will pass you by so fast but the important thing to remember is that, although there seems like a lot to do, you are already on the right track. So what needs to be done right now, this instant? This depends on what stage you are at, so first things first: what have you done so far?

• Hospital / local doctor?

• Garda Síochána (Irish police force)?

• Funeral director (mortician / undertaker);

• Religious group;

• Solicitor;

• Next-of-kin.

Next, do you know whether the deceased held an organ donor card? If so, inform the doctor immediately (for more information on organ donation, see POST).

You must contact the Garda Síochána if the death occurred at home in Ireland. A coroner will be called if it was a sudden or unusual death. Do not be afraid or concerned if a coroner

is called. A coroner in Ireland is an independent official person with a legal responsibility to establish the ‘who, when, where and how’ of sudden or unexplained deaths. This may require a post-mortem examination, sometimes followed by an inquest.

Most people in Ireland responsible for arranging a funeral contact a funeral director for help with the arrangements. If you know that the deceased person left burial wishes with a particular undertaker or funeral planner, you should contact that undertaker or planner so they can put the deceased’s wishes into action immediately. Otherwise, you must now choose an undertaker or decide to make the funeral arrangements independently.

If it was the deceased’s wish to be buried, find out whether a burial plot has been pre-purchased and determine its exact location. If you are using a funeral director, they can help you with this. If not, contact the deceased’s solicitor or check their file where they kept important documents. If the deceased was a member of a religious group and you are not familiar with the traditions or rites that should be followed following their death, you should contact a representative of the group for guidance.

The deceased’s solicitor should be notified of the death of one of their clients so they can work on the legal implications of the death – in particular, to release any burial wishes or pre-arrangements noted in the person’s will. The will also specifies who is to serve as the executor or personal representative of the deceased. The executor is responsible for making sure that all creditors are paid, estate tax returns are filed and the remaining assets distributed according to the will. If the deceased died intestate (without a will), usually a surviving spouse, if there is one, or an adult child or parent will take on this role. Contact the next-of-kin, especially those abroad who may have to make travel arrangements. Close friends, relatives, neighbours, employers, classmates, and colleagues of the deceased should be notified as soon as possible. The best way to ensure that everyone is notified is to gather a small group of close relatives or friends of the deceased and ask them to start a ‘chain of calls’ to people in the wider community who need to know.

If the deceased person was employed, you will need to contact their employer.

If the deceased person was receiving a State pension, you will need to contact the Pensions Office. Others to notify in the days following a death include State authorities, the health service, insurance agencies and financial institutions. In most cases, you will need to provide a death certificate (see below) – usually an original, not a photocopy, so make sure you get plenty of certificates when

you register the person’s death – to prove the person’s death.

You also may need a letter from the deceased’s solicitor confirming that you are the executor (if that is the case) or have authority to act on behalf of the deceased.

To register a death, and to obtain a death certificate, which you will need later for all sorts of purposes, you must bring a medical certificate or death notification form issued by a doctor stating the cause of death to the local Registrar of Births, Marriages and Deaths. One exception is that, if you are the parent of a stillborn child, you are not legally obliged to register the death.

There is no charge to register a death that occurs in Ireland. Fees are charged for copies of the death certificate. Contact information for Registrars of Births, Marriages and Deaths throughout Ireland is also available on the HSE’s website (www.hse.ie) and from your Local Health Office.

Although not urgent, it is important to remember to:

• Inform the deceased person’s bank, building society or

credit union;

• Cancel any direct debits or standing orders that are no

longer required;

• Cancel reservations made by the deceased for holidays,

flights, theatre, etc and enquire about any refunds that

may be due;

• Change the name on the house deeds (the solicitor will

arrange this);

• If the deceased person was living in rented

accommodation, arrange to have the name on the

tenancy agreement changed or cancel the agreement;

• Change the name on household utility bills;

• Contact An Post to re-direct post to the executor or

solicitor or to hold it for collection at a later date.