How to Help someone Grieving during COVID-19

As you can imagine, not having the opportunity to hold a traditional funeral or memorial service can be very difficult for anyone. I personally believe we benefit from gathering and remembering our loved ones. I believe in the funeral service as a part of the grief journey. Support where and when you can. Most important, be kind, always. There are still ways you can support them as detailed below.

1. First and foremost – CHECK IN WITH THEM! Check in with grieving family members and friends often by phone, email, text, social media. The death of a loved one is an incredibly stressful and life-altering event. Right now, this is exacerbated one billion per cent. Grief is a very solitary and unique thing under normal circumstances but with COVID-19, people who are grieving are dealing with what I call the everything of emotions. Try having normal chats with them, tell them about your day, ask about theirs. Allow for some silence, wait for them to respond, don’t rush the conversation. Invite them to tell you funny or loving memories about their loved one and share stories of your own experiences with them – do not be afraid to mention their name. 
2. Write a letter – a physical real-life letter and post it – maybe include photos or copies of photos. I don’t know anyone who does not like to get post or mail that is not a bill or someone asking for money.
3. Organise an event in the future – a dinner or night out or church date – choose the date, time, location and send out to attendees and put it in the diary.
4. Talk with them about the options available to them during the COVID-19 lockdown. Have they considered everything? Direct them to this list and see if you can help them to organize one of these memorials like setting up a website etc.
5. Is there a memorial page or website or Facebook set up? Add your own memory, photos and loving thoughts/prayers.
6. Is there a charity linked with the family of the deceased? Even if not, you could make a donation in their name. You could send some information to those grieving, explaining why you chose that particular charity maybe?
7. Send dinner or lunch to their home from their favourite restaurant (if they're still open and delivering) and maybe include some wine or something and a note saying to video call you so you can have dinner together.
8. Send a text or email every day at a certain time (set an alarm on your phone) and the text is simply a memory you have with their loved one. Check in after a few days of this and make sure that this is ok with them as this is something that could hurt or hinder someone’s grieving process. We are all different and some people love daily reminders and others absolutely hate it.

A Grievers Guide to surviving COVID-19

You’ve lost the love of your life and no one can hold you, are you serious??

The death of a loved one is an incredibly stressful and life-altering event. Right now, this is exacerbated one billion per cent. You are as alone as you ever could be. Grief is a very solitary and unique thing under normal circumstances but with COVID-19 blowing everything we ever knew to smithereens, people who are grieving are dealing with what I call the everything of emotions.

I do want to preface this by saying that right now the entire world is grieving – in this we are united – we are grieving the loss of the lives of strangers from countries millions of miles away, we are grieving the loss of jobs, the loss of social interaction, the loss of economic freedom, the loss of money, the loss of amenities, the loss of education, the loss of touch and the list goes on and on. No one grief surpasses another, we all deal with grief in our own way and if you saw my Ted talk you will see that one of my utmost values is Judgement and that we should not. Grief is unique and tragically specific to each individual. A person who loses their job and therefore what they consider their identity could grieve moreover that loss right now than if their sibling died. We are all different and unique and no situation is ever the same.

In that vein, I want to go through some completely normal and necessary responses to loss:

• Physical Grief -  Stomach pains, constipation, dizziness, pounding heart, fatigue, insomnia, headaches, weakness, hyperventilating, nausea, sweating, shortness of breath, tightness in the throat/chest, feeling heavy/weighed down, trembling or shaking.
• Everything Emotions - This is where you feel all the things all the time, at once, in sequence or at certain times – Elation, surprise, pity, shock, anger, anxiety, shame, frustration, confusion, denial, relief, curiosity, depression, fear, guilt, disgust, irritability, loneliness, nostalgia, numbness, joy, hatred, moodiness, helplessness, sadness, envy, or yearning
• Boomerang Thoughts - This is where you experience a variety of thoughts that refuse to be tamed or go away and just keep bouncing back again and again. This can include - confusion, fear of death, paranoia, fear of other people, overthinking every small decision, memories, longing for past times, blaming ‘god’ or the universe, self-harming, difficulty concentrating, disbelief and denial, sexual desires, brainstorming how to prevent this ever happening again.

So what can you do to help yourself?

Firstly – PLEASE – allow yourself the time to grieve. Give yourself permission to shout, scream, cry, to feel numb or to suddenly to laugh out loud... 

This list is not all-inclusive – I am not a counsellor or a grief therapist, I am a human who has worked with hundreds of people grieving – below is my suggestions, might work for you, might not. No human is better or worse than another when it comes to grief and advise. Do what you can, when you can and you'll get through it, day by day, moment by moment. 

1. Avoid self-judgment. There are no hard and fast rules and what works for one person will not work for another. STOP "should-ing" yourself – there is nothing you should or should not be thinking. If you are worried that your thoughts are dark at all please reach out to a professional…or me if you want to! I am always here to listen – zero judgement attached.
2. Eat well. An easy one for me, I always turn to food – eating, cooking and baking. Eating nutritious food is always important, but right now you need it more than ever. Sure it's ok to find comfort in an ice cream tub or a bar of chocolate or bag of chips, you don’t need to be an angel!, but balance it up by getting your vitamins in too. Cooking or baking can provide therapeutic benefits if you’re so inclined. If you're now cooking for one, I can imagine that is a serious mind shift – especially for partnerships that are decades old. Try experimenting with new flavours, new dishes, eat at new times or eat with someone – virtually if that is what is currently permitted. Somehow, some small way, get out of the routine you both had.
3. This will sound like an oxymoron coming from an Irish person but SAY NO to alcohol. It might seem like the best idea in the world initially, trust me I know, but unfortunately drinking alcohol can exacerbate feelings of sadness and depression. Alcohol will also interfere with your quality of sleep and likely to encourage you to snack and eat poorly and either over or under-eat.
4. Change your routine. Make a list of your ‘musts’ or daily tasks and then make a list of what you would like to do or have always wanted to do. This is your Magic & Must list (thank you JudyMay) and draw out a new routine incorporating these, even if limited right now. You can build slowly towards your ideal day.
5. Exercise. Get outside for a walk or a run, even if it’s a small walk around the block. Being outside and getting some Vitamin D from the sun is essential and will increase the endorphins flowing in your body. Try a new sport if you can/feel able. A bike ride can provide a lot of benefits – feeling that wind in your hair, sun on your face, speeding around seeing life happening can help get the good vibes going. Even getting out in the rain can be very invigorating for moods. Yoga or gentle stretching is another great indoor or outdoor activity you can do solo.
6. Sleep!! I have always maintained that a good nights sleep after a hot shower can cure all the worlds ailments. Ok so not QUITE true and it certainly won't erase the devastation you are currently feeling but it will give you the energy to get through another day. Sleep rejuvenates the body's cells and allows the brain to rest and when your brain has been overactive all day this is essential for good health.
7. Write, create or engage – use this time to express yourself and your thoughts on paper in a journal or in artwork. Maybe you could write a song or a piece of music. Talk to a friend you trust or use your phone to record your thoughts in an audio or audio and visual journal. Express yourself. 
8. Go online and see who else seems to be feeling similar thoughts to you…there's a plethora of writing on the internet. Check out some grief support groups or online communities. You can also find yourself a therapist or life coach online that can help shape your thoughts and moods to contribute positively to you.

If you feel you are not eating or sleeping or drinking or eating or exercising excessively please seek a professionals help.

ICCFA 2019

The ICCFA 2019 took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A pretty bland city, clean and efficient city but lacking character for me, Each year when I attend these events I am very focussed on what's new, what's gonna change, what's different and most years I have found seriously interesting stuff to report on. This year, I found the convention quiet and boring.

I did have to dig a little deeper to find something new and different to tell you about and what I did find definitely peaked my interest and will for you too I know, especially because rumour (and the Meath Chronicle!) has it that one of them is coming to Ireland....soon..... so watch this space!

Resomation, also known as Water Cremation and depending on who you are talking to - Aquamation, Bio-cremation, Hydro Cremation, Alkaline Hydrolysis etc etc is the process of body disposition with water instead of flames. I personally am not a fan of flushing granny down the loo but I wanted to know more and maybe you do too. Check out resomation.com if you want more than I give you here. First things first - resomation and aquamation and others are NOT the same. Not the same companies nor the exact same process which I find extremely confusing and therefore can only imagine how Joe Public feels. I spoke with the creator of RESOMATION, Sandy, a Scotsman - nice to here one of 'our' accents on this side of Atlantic. Legally, Sandy told me that Water cremation is approved in 15 US states. In the UK, plans to introduce water cremation are progressing, he told me that had 'done' two bodies just this week in the UK. Irish Mortician, Elizabeth Oakes, plans to offer water cremation as an alternative to flame cremation and burial in Ireland. More on that at another point. I was impressed by Sandy. I was impressed by the output of the process, it truly is less about flushing Granny down the loo and more about less interference on the body and more about saving the environment from mercury emissions and with water cremation, no airborne emissions are produced and the solid leftover mercury-containing amalgam is collected and safely recycled. I also did love the powdery finish to the remains and, weirdly, we all know that people are vain and particular about this, even in death. A beautiful white powder is better than black, rough grainy remains...no?

Other innovation discovered was Funeralocity - the Expedia of the funeral world! We have TheKnot.com for weddings, Hotels.com for accommodation, Expedia.com for travel, and much much more - it's about time a comparison site came to the funeral industry! That's the good news...for the consumer. The bad news is, its only US based. I know funeral directors will probably want to fight something like this but I think it's important and honestly, it's coming whether anyone wants it to or not.

What are your thoughts on Resomation and Funeralocity?

The funeral reception

In simple terms, your choice of venue for a funeral reception is between holding it at home (the deceased’s home or that of a close relative) or in an external venue (a hired hall or hotel,

restaurant, club or pub). Sometimes it is not an easy choice but often the choice has already been decided, through the deceased’s requests or ‘because that is what he/she would have wanted’. This can help relieve a great deal of decision-making. But for those that still have to make the choice or would just like to know what each option holds, below I have detailed the issues to consider with each.

House versus Venue

House:

• Transport to and from the house: Where is the house located? Is it on a quiet street without much parking or with ‘pay and display’ parking? Is it down a very tight country lane where accidents are common? Does it have a large driveway that will accommodate some cars? How far from the church or funeral service is it? Is it easy to find? Perhaps a few designated directors

can guide people to the house from the service;

• Need to put certain areas ‘off limit’: This is someone’s home, maybe the deceased’s, or their family home. Either way, you need people to be respectful and to facilitate that you need to set some boundaries. If possible, lock bedroom doors or any ‘off limit’ areas. Put any and all valuables or precious items into these locked rooms;

• Provide maps: Even with all the technology around today, it never hurts to supply people with a physical and easy-to-read map with directions to the house, to make sure you don’t lose anyone en route;

• Immediate family only or all invited: This is a personal decision to make but also one to think about

logisitically. How popular was the deceased? Will everyone who was at the service attend the reception? Will people who could not make the service come to the reception? How many can the house and the food / drink cater for? Would a more quiet, ‘family only’ affair be more respectful and more tasteful?

• No peace and quiet: A common issue with having a reception in your own home is that there is no escape. You cannot retire to bed or relax on your couch and collect your thoughts, cry, laugh, reminisce or scream if you have invited people into your home. Everywhere you go in the house, you will find people who will want to sympathize with you;

• Marquee option: Having a reception in your home is a lovely idea but, if you expect numbers to exceed space you have available to cater for them, consider the option of hiring a marquee and placing it in the back or front garden. It will still have that homely feel but will ease the impact on your home;

Catering: 
Another critical aspect of having a reception in a home is catering for everyone. Typically, people are hungry after a funeral service – thirsty, too. Can you afford / do you have the space to cater for them all? Do you have the kitchen facilities to do it? Will it be finger food, buffet or a three-course meal? Can friends, family and neighbors bring a dish or some sandwiches and help out? It will certainly ease stress if a caterer can come and have all the food and drink (including cups of tea and coffee – a favorite at events such as funerals) prepared for you when you arrive home from the service and will clear up when you are finished. They also can supply the extra cutlery and glassware that would otherwise have to be rented or borrowed.

Venue:

• Transport to and from: Often a central venue in the local town or city center can be the best choice when it comes to transport. Typically, there is ample parking, directions to the venue are known, and roads and paths are well-lit and secure.

• Local or long distance: Did the deceased drink in a particular bar or visit a particular hotel or restaurant regularly? This could be ideal for the reception. Another option is to think of a venue where perhaps the deceased always wanted to visit. Choosing venues can be dependent on whether you wish to ask people to travel long distances. Elderly people may not be able to commit to the travel;

• Book accommodation: Depending on how far people must travel for the funeral service, you may have to provide them with accommodation information such as local bed and breakfasts or hotels. If you are holding the reception in a hotel, you might be able to negotiate a discount on rooms booked;

• House-sitters: If you choose to have the reception in a local hotel, it is sad, but often burglars are aware of this fact. The deceased’s details have been printed in the newspaper and this house is now empty, with potentially dozens of others on the same road or in the same estate as the deceased. All of these home-owners will be at the hotel at the reception. Safeguard yourself and your home against these opportunists and have a house-sitter mind your home, leave a radio or a TV on, make sure an alarm has been fitted to your home and leave some lights on. Give the impression someone is

home;

• Opportunity to get away if needed: A bonus to having a reception in a hotel, club, bar or local restaurant is that it is easy to slip away for some peace and quiet if you need to. Funerals can be very tiring and emotional experiences and while some people will wish to celebrate the deceased life long into the night, others will feel tired very fast and require some sleep or just a few moments alone;

• Music and entertainment: Having an external venue look after the reception also means that you can hire professionals to provide entertainment for your guests – maybe the deceased’s favorite band or trad singer or pianist?

Catering: 
Again, choosing a venue takes care of the catering issue. Professionals will cater to everyone’s taste and price. You can choose to pay for everything, or allow everyone to order for themselves or you can order some smaller items and if people wish to have more they can pay for it.

Regardless of which option you choose, home or external venue, there are still more decisions to make. Food and drink options will be similar whether the reception is held in the home or in a public house:

• Will you have a special toast for the deceased?

• Is there a special menu you would like to supply in honour of the deceased?

• Will you supply a buffet, finger food or sit down menu? What time will it be served at?

• Will you supply a free bar/limited bar or have people pay for/bring their own?

Another option could be to have a family sit-down dinner immediately after the service and meet up with everyone else in a broader reception afterward. Always keep some food aside; this might seem like a waste but it will not be. This food is for the immediate family who may or may not eat during the reception as they will be chatting with everyone and accepting sympathies. This food will be greatly appreciated after the reception when everyone has gone home.

ICCFA Convention 2018 Las Vegas

The ICCFA 2018 Annual Convention took place in sunny Las Vegas!

I was happy for an excuse to take me to some sunshine after a pretty long winter in both Ireland and New York.

I flew in a day early to gather myself and get some Vitamin D because I know, from previous conventions in Vegas, that you can get so involved in work and networking that you may never leave the adjoining hotels or see daylight!

 I had hardly walked in the door of the convention and I met the infamous Funeral Commander, Jeff Harbeson. Always a laugh to catch up with him and his bright colourful suits!

I love coming to the ICCFA and the NFDA annual conventions because twice a year, every year, the funeral professionals gather to educate, innovate, network, eat, drink and rarely sleep!! Always a chance to catch up with old friends and make some new ones in the process! I even got to catch a few shows with friends while I was in town too which was great, considering Vegas is THE go-to spot for any show!

Sadly, Innovation at this year's show, along with attendance, was slow and seriously lacking. I was hard pushed trying to find something new to report on. There were SongPods of Solace which contain cremated remains, locks of hair/fur or feathers of a loved one. They are handmade and considered a musical memorial. Shake them and hold to your ear to hear a unique chime!

Then there is commemorative rosary beads which are made from flowers - from a wedding, a funeral, a birthday or anything. A good way to 'recycle' flowers and keep a memorial of the date.

A very girly innovative find this year, lastly we had Phyll The Love. A company set up, when she found herself limited according to Jewish customs to throw something onto her mother's coffin as it was being lowered into the ground. A series of hurried questions to the rabbi later and colorful sand was the chosen love token! She now provides beautiful little bottles of coloured sand that funeral directors or family members can hand out to graveside goers to toss onto the casket in lieu of flowers. Innovative and creative? Yes, however, when I asked a number of my followers on Instagram their thoughts on usage, the result was a resounding NOPE. Ah well.

Other interesting things to note from the show was innovation in marketing or lack thereof. According to big players Funeral One and their attendees, marketing remains to be a funeral homes biggest challenge.

People WERE trying though, with Virtual Reality games happening and a giant colouring board to name a few fun things I spotted.

My first time Insta Story-ing the convention and the reactions were priceless - people thinking things were creepy AF (see below) or fascinated with the fact that there was such a thing as a funeral convention and wait...what...they have fun at it??! Noooooo.

I think we need to look at marketing for the industry from these people's perspectives and stop hiding our heads in the, even colourful, sand!
SaveSave

Wakes Ireland

According to Wikipedia, a wake is:

A ceremony associated with death. Traditionally, a wake takes place in the house of the deceased, with the body present; however, modern wakes are often performed at a funeral home.

The Oxford English Dictionary describes a wake as: A watch or vigil held beside the body of someone who has died, sometimes accompanied by ritual observances, or a party held after a funeral.

Historically, a wake was the process of laying out the body of a departed (deceased) relative in the family home and watching over them from the time of death until the body is taken into the care of the church. The body is usually laid out in the parlour (living room or bedroom). Family, friends, and neighbours attend. Typically, a large amount of food and drink was consumed over the period of mourning. In Ireland today, wakes are still thought of as part of an Irish funeral, although they have altered slightly and happen more frequently in country towns and villages than in Irish cities. So where did it all come from? The true origins of the wake are foggy but the custom appears to date back to an ancient Jewish custom of leaving the sepulchre (burial chamber, vault, tomb, or grave) of the deceased open for three days before finally closing it up. This time allows family

members to visit, which they typically did in the hope of seeing signs of a return to life.

A myth that might be a basis for the Irish wake suggests that, in medieval times, people who drank from pewter tankards would suffer from lead poisoning, a symptom of which would be a catatonic state causing the person to appear dead only for them to recover or awaken a few hours

or days later!

Whatever the origins, there are specific steps that need to be followed in order to perform a historically accurate Irish wake:

• Family members and neighbours – typically women experienced in laying out the body – gather at the house of the deceased;

• The body is washed and dressed, usually in white;

• A bed is prepared for the body to rest on;

• If the deceased is a man, he is shaved;

• Sheets are hung over the bed and along two or three sides;

• A crucifix is placed at the throat of the deceased and rosary beads are entwined between the fingers;

• Candles are lit around the body;

• The clocks in the house are stopped and curtains closed as a mark of respect for the deceased;

• All mirrors in the house are turned toward the wall or covered.

A wake is most famously remembered for the keening (crying), as the women who prepared the body join the family in mourning. The preparations and the keening carry on until the arrival of any family members who may have been abroad. The deceased is never left unattended for the entire period of the wake. A person, generally a woman or a few women, sit nearby and watch over the body. When a mourner enters the room, they make their way to the side of the body, kneel down and silently recite prayers. Traditionally, the mourners then sympathise with the family before leaving. Visitations

last until midnight and food and drink are served throughout. Men typically congregate outside if it is not too cold or in the kitchen if it is winter, while the women care for the deceased or can be found in the kitchen making tea and sandwiches for visitors. The Rosary is recited at least once around the body and is led by a priest.

A wake can last a number of days, ending when the body is ‘removed’ from the home and brought to the church for a short service, known today as a removal.

There are two funeral services for the deceased, which is still relatively common in Ireland today. One is the removal, which occurs in the evening when the body is ‘removed’ from the home to the church; the second is held before the body is taken from the church to the graveyard or crematorium the next day.

'Let the pink fluff and sparkles break through’

"But they say that all things happen for a reason. I don’t want to go looking over my shoulder or waving my fist in anger. That was never my style. But the truth of the matter is this: I would never have wanted to go, there would never have been enough time so I am trying to be gracious about it.

I know it is practically illegal to champion all things pink in this all bustling world where being girlie can be mistaken for being stupid. But I would like to be remembered as somebody who believes that fairies live at the bottom of the garden, that unicorns exist but they are simply shy and that angels flutter on all of our shoulders.

There is enough gray in the world already. Let the pink fluff and sparkles breakthrough. There’s enough sadness, suffering, and strife. Let the laughter be heard.

Farewell. Look after each other. Be kind. Be happy. Be grateful. And most of all, be yourself.

Life is short. It is so very, very precious and it’s not a dress rehearsal. So enjoy; eat chocolate, drink strong coffee, have a fabulous glass of wine and buy those clothes; walk in those high heels and let the world know that you are here to work hard and to play even harder."

These were the final words of Irish Author Emma Hannigan. These were the words she wanted to tell the world herself but she knew she would not be around to say them as they were to be spoken at her funeral.

I posted these words across all of my social media channels when she passed away a few weeks ago. A tragic and too soon end to such a vibrant soul. I didn't know Emma but in her final words, I feel like she knew me, or my soul at least. These are words to live by. No wonder she was such a wonderful author. Rest in sparkles Emma, wherever you are. x

Interview Clive Anderson

Clive Anderson has been living in the US for the last 14 years. He is an Irish native from Co Cork who now lives and works just 25 minutes from Times Square in New York City.

He is the owner of Pelham Funeral Home and has been a funeral director and embalmer for over fifteen years. He wasn’t born into the business as many funeral directors are but rather Clive feels as though he was ‘called’ into the service. The moment occuring when Clive lost his father to cancer. His experience of the funeral profession stimulated his desire to help others.

He got his experience in Ireland, initially with Jeremiah O’ Connor & Sons Funeral Home in Co. Cork before immigrating to the United States to get formal training in the funeral profession and working as a funeral service consultant for Matthews International.

Clive believes the Irish deal with death very well, as he said “the whole community stops, Irish Weddings are optional, Funerals are compulsory”. He thinks the American funeral industry has gotten quite commercial and has “forgotten the old ways” of respecting the body. He mentioned the animal kingdom and how animals grieve a loss and that it is a part of the process we should all embrace. He believes spending time with and looking after the body is both respectful of a life lived and a natural part of the grieving process.

Notable funerals that he has had the opportunity to plan included a thrice Powerball (similar to the Lotto) winner and an old Irish man who was homeless and passed away on the streets. He strives to make each funeral unique and special and include as many personal touches to the service as possible and this can include photos of the deceased placed all around the funeral home, their favorite music playing, smells filling the rooms, flags flying and a guest book for all who arrive to sign.



The recipient of several awards, Clive has been recognized by Irish Newspaper, The Irish Echo “40 under 40” for his contributions to the Irish community in the US and was also an aide to the Grand-Marshal of the Irish Business Organization on St Patrick’s Day In NYC. He was honored by the Irish Aisling Center in New York in September 2017.

Funeral Etiquette - mostly Irish!

Although etiquette is now considered ‘old-fashioned’ in many quarters, here are some guidelines to respectful modern-day etiquette for a funeral.

Consider not:

• Allowing toddlers to run around with no parental supervision;
• Answering your mobile phone during any part of the funeral service;
• Pointing out to the next-of-kin which of the deceased’s possessions you would like to have;
• ‘Whispering’ loudly about the deceased during a quiet time of reflection or thought;
• Inquiring about the will and ‘who got what’
• Getting into a road rage when a funeral procession (hearse and accompanying cars) is passing.

Do consider: 

• Offering help or assistance – but be specific: “I will call you tomorrow” or “I will make your dinners for this week”, etc; 
• Paying your respects to all of the family members – they may be wearing a black cross or circle bereavement pins to identify them as grieving (www.mourningcross.com); 
• Remembering the deceased and talking about them; 
• Going to both the removal/wake (if there is one) and/or the funeral service to pay your respects; 
• Calling into the next-of-kin to check up on them in the weeks and months after the funeral; 
• Sitting up near the front of the funeral home/church or other venue where the service will be held. This shows added support for the next-of-kin, close friends and family and most people avoid this area thinking there are more 'important' people coming. Trust me, you will know if you are sitting in someone's seat but more often than not, the immediate family are left isolated at the top of the church/venue.
• Your funeral attire: Were you asked to wear a specific colour or outfit for a themed service? If not, modest clothing in muted colours is always a safe bet to avoid offense or disrespect, and if in doubt, ask someone else who will be in attendance and is close to the immediate friends and family; 
• Doing what you feel comfortable with. Your relationship was with the deceased or their next of kin so in your heart of hearts/gut you KNOW what is approprite to respect their memory. Do it.
• You will know what boundaries there are and, if in doubt, ask. A person grieving is STILL a person.

NFDA Boston 2017

The NFDA took place in beautiful Boston this year. It was a busy busy convention for me, a lot of media interest in learning about Ireland. The reason behind the sudden interest was more than likely due to the fact that I presented a workshop at the convention titled “Ireland is green and growing” covering the various components that makeup a typical Irish funeral, some old Irish myths and stories and some new Irish technology news.

 

Considering my workshop took place at 8am the morning AFTER Halloween night, I was pretty impressed with the attendance. Videos of short interviews with a rural Irish funeral director, a Dublin city one, and a fascinating Irish funeral ‘goer’ all featured and together we helped each other to add a touch of Irishness to funeral planning in America. Small additions can make a big difference to the Irish American community.

The Irish groundbreaking technology innovation of ecoLation was discussed and a great deal of questions asked after the workshop was complete. Massive interest in this technology from Americans and the Asian markets.

But my workshop aside, the convention itself was different this year, no one could quite put their finger on why, it could have been the convention center itself – it seemed bigger, bolder and more roomier than usual. The floor was littered with memorial jewellery. It seemed everyone and their mother was offering a variety of memorials jewellery and a lot of it looked the same sadly, with quality lacking in the majority.

I met with the guys from Memorial Reef who create artificial reefs with the cremated remains of a loved one in areas most affected by the global climate crisis. The remains are placed inside a compact urn which is placed inside a special reef ball and secured. This ball is then anchored into the ocean and secured to the ocean floor where ocean life can begin to form. They have locations in Bermuda, Cancun, Baja, Golet, Fiji, Tonga, Papua New Guinea and the Cook Islands. Prices start at 6000 dollars.

I met Colonel Saunders of KFC fame at the AIM Holographics booth (it was fancy dress day at the show!) where he spoke to me about his 3D hologram video technology. I got excited as I thought it was the type of hologram that has in previous years brought Tupac and Michael Jackson to life on stage but for me, this seemed like a very expensive but great looking video experience.

The SecuriGene DNA presentation was very cool - they preserve the DNA of loved ones in their DNA bank. A great option for families wishing to preserve the genetic legacy of their family for future testing which could be important to identify hereditary diseases and who knows what developments the future will produce so holding onto this information is very important.

Other booths that caught my attention included the Icons in Ash booth, where a mosaic is made out of the ashes of the deceased. Approx 6 teaspoons of ashes are used to create the artworks. Another ‘dirty’ booth had an Irish theme – Handfuls of Home creators Aifric and Dominika brought Ireland to the NFDA quite literally! Attendees were able to feel and massage the green, green grasses of home - well maybe not the grass but the soil beneath that grass. They sell pots of Irish soil to the funeral industry. A great idea for the funeral director working with Irish communities.

Lastly, I came across a very impressive booth called Life Celebrations that was a mini mock-up of a very comfortable funeral home. It was warm and inviting with gorgeous images adorning the walls via projectors. There were beautiful corners of personalised memorabilia honoring the deceased. I was very impressed with this level of personalisation until I heard the join up fee of 18,500 dollars! That was before you bought a projector or a personalised bookmark! A bit of an exclusive club if you ask me, I didn’t see much give back from such a high subscription fee.  Also while their show booth was impressive, their marketing collateral was poor and lacked visible descriptions.

In summary, once again the Irish did well and made themselves known, and memorialising or personalising seems to be key in the industry for 2018.

SaveSave

Top 5 tips to save money on funerals in Ireland

Today I was asked to speak on Newstalk FM (and Irish nationwide radio station) on the fact that recent research by Royal London had found that two out of three people underestimate the cost of funerals and almost one-third significantly underestimate the cost of funerals in Ireland, putting it at between €1,000 and €3,000.

I gave as much info as I could in a 20-minute conversation with the ever eager and fascinating Ivan but I did want to follow up with a top 5 tips on how to save money...I don't know if you want them now (and are listening to me and my PREPLAN!!! advice) or if you might need them at a later date...in which case you probably won't be googling this.... but how and ever, here they are.....

1. Shop around!!! This might sound tacky and the last thing you want to do when you have lost a loved one, which is why I recommend PREPLANNING, but it is entirely possible to cover a few different funeral director visits in a few hours physically, or even better phone them up. Even better again? Have someone else you trust do this research for you as you will be under immense pressure and emotional stress and the last thing you need is more stress.
2. Go with Natural/Woodland burial - try the greengraveyard.com guys. They do all sorts of coffins and you lose the headstone costs, the embalming costs etc so worth checking out. Plus an added bonus is it is good for the environment and oh so pretty.
3. Cut out the frills! No Cars to escort you (most have our own or can borrow), no flowers, no headstones, posh-all-frills coffins etc. Ask friends to help with graphic design and printing of the booklets, memorial sheets. Have friends provide the music, be a celebrant etc. All these cost cutting ways often make it more personal too. My book has more info on this!
4. Direct to cremation - no church, chapel, service at all. No embalming, coffin etc. When you get the remains back you can have a shindig in the house...I might go for this option myself...might put it in as a backup, depending on available funds!
5. PREPLAN/Prepaid funeral plans obviously have their advantages if I haven't stated them enough? It pays to think ahead. Let's leave it at that. The LEAST you should do is fill in this plan here, tell someone where it is and at least you're being helpful! ;-)

Have Your Say in Life and Death

This October the Irish Hospice Foundation holds its Forum on 'End of Life’ which will reveal interesting findings of Ireland's 'Have Your Say' survey (held last year) where thousands of people across Ireland shared their personal thoughts on dying, death and bereavement. Main findings show people fear 'dying in pain' and want dignity, comfort and care at end of life. People worry most about their family and bereavement support.

“You and I get only one chance to die and 2,500 people had their say last year on what makes a good death. By sharing their thoughts they are helping us create an Irish charter on death, dying and bereavement. We believe in quality end-of-life care, supporting each person to live as well as possible to the end and enabling those left behind to grieve well. We are looking forward to revealing all survey findings on October 10th at our Forum,”

Angela Edghill, Advocacy, and Public Engagement Manager, Irish Hospice Foundation.

“Conversations around death are never easy but people are more than willing to share their views when asked.  They only need to be encouraged. This is the aim of Forum 2017 ‘Your Life, Your Death, Your Say – allowing the conversation to continue about dying, death and bereavement in Ireland’.

“Our last Forum was fully booked attracting 350 people from all walks of life. This year the inspirational Justice Catherine McGuinness will speak about human rights at end of life. RTE Broadcaster David McCullagh will chair a panel discussion on pain, grief, and dignity. Panellists include Senator Marie Louise O’Donnell, Micheál Ó Muircheartaigh, and Dr. Tony Foley.  Keynote speaker is Professor Jenny Kitzinger from Cardiff University who co-directs the ‘Coma and Disorders of Consciousness Research Centre’ and she will examine the challenges around how decisions are made when the patient has lost the ability to make choices for themselves,” said Ms Edghill.

Forum 2017 includes several workshops such as ‘Children Grieve Too’, ‘Supporting Staff through Loss and Bereavement’ and ‘Planning for your Future: What Should we Ask Ourselves?’

Attendees will hear people’s views on a range of issues such as challenges facing health professionals when discussing pain, treatment decisions, death, grief, dignity and caring for people at end of life.

The event takes place in Dublin Castle on Tuesday 10th October from 9am – 4pm and all are welcome. Early registration is advised. Tickets are €60 including lunch and refreshments with €30 Concession tickets (limited availability for students, non-working, and senior citizens). Online registration is at hospicefoundation.ie or call 01 679 3188.

A Eulogy - what is it and how to write one

The word eulogy comes from two Greek words, eu meaning ‘good’ and logos meaning ‘word’ or ‘thought’. A eulogy is a speech in praise of or tribute to a dead person.

It can be very difficult to deliver a eulogy when you are grieving. Public speaking or writing a speech can be daunting under the best of circumstances but, when someone you love or care deeply about has died, being asked to “say a few words” at the funeral service can feel like a thousand-ton weight on your shoulders.

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Now this means to the average person that, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. (Jerry Seinfeld)

A eulogy should be a healing experience, for you and for the deceased’s family and friends.

Here are a few tips to help you:

• Write the eulogy in a form that will help you to deliver it. This can be key words on paper or a computer tablet, bullet points, a slide show or a full speech written out;

• Use your memories and ask the deceased’s family and friends for their stories;

• Sometimes, the most poignant eulogies can be read like a letter to the deceased;

• Your eulogy can include absolutely any type of words you like: humorous, sad, poetic, thought provoking, inspiring, dramatic, anything;

• It may help to think about the big achievements in the deceased’s life, the hurdles they overcame, the milestones they reached;

• Don’t be afraid to use poetry or quotations if they mean something to you, friends or family; it doesn’t matter whether it’s the words to a pop song or a Shakespearean quote;

• Try to avoid clichés or common eulogy sentences, such as “We are here today to mourn the death of (name) …” or “(Name) will be sorely missed by all …”;

• You’re not on your own; others are grieving too. If you have to stop in the middle to compose yourself, don’t panic;

• Consider ending with a farewell to the deceased using

a piece of music or a video or a reading.

Few of us are saintly, but the eulogy should concentrate on what was positive in the deceased person’s life; if you must mention the negative, try to do so in humour.

Follow this advice and you will not go far wrong:

• Start with what you know: What you know is your relationship with the deceased, so start with your

memories, take out old photo albums or get online and go through some photos of you both to jog your memories. Remember the good times as well as the bad;

• Make a list about the person: Include details such as dates – birth, marriage, children, work dates, etc; names – spouse/partner, children, grandchildren; locations – childhood, teen years, trips abroad, etc; work life; hobbies; achievements;

• Seek out what you don’t know: Talk to the deceased’s family, friends, members of groups they belonged to about what they remember of the deceased;

• Humour: In the midst of mourning, your audience will appreciate some light-hearted, tasteful humour; referring to an anecdote, funny quote or accidental mishap is generally appreciated. But be careful – you’re not auditioning for stand-up comedy!

• Create your flow: Every speech or piece of writing should have a beginning, middle and an end – your eulogy should too. Interpret that chronologically or based on lifetime milestones – whatever seems appropriate;

• Time: Depending on the circumstances (religious ceremony or not), a eulogy should be no longer than 10 minutes and probably no shorter than two or three minutes. Speak slowly and calmly. Give yourself time and allow the audience to take in your words;

• Practice makes perfect: Practise your eulogy with close family or friends because they may wish to change some of what you say or add to it.

NOTE: If you’re delivering a eulogy for someone who has taken their own life, focus on understanding and empathising with the family’s grief and refrain from rationalisation and explanation. Arrange for loved ones to share good memories about his / her life. Humorous stories can be appropriate as they will lift the mood, if even momentarily, but be cautious. If possible, have anyone wishing to speak about the deceased write out their comments, as this will prevent any inappropriateness, however unintended, that may cause additional hurt or pain to the family.

The First Steps to take when someone dies.....

(IRELAND ONLY)

If you are reading this post, it is likely someone – someone close to you – has died and you are responsible for what happens next. So the first thing you need to do is not panic.

Have you contacted any of the following:

If the death did not take place in a hospital, you must contact the local doctor. Do not move anything until an official pronouncement of death has been made by the doctor.

Relax, take some deep breaths and sit down with a pen and paper. The next few days will pass you by so fast but the important thing to remember is that, although there seems like a lot to do, you are already on the right track. So what needs to be done right now, this instant? This depends on what stage you are at, so first things first: what have you done so far?

• Hospital / local doctor?

• Garda Síochána (Irish police force)?

• Funeral director (mortician / undertaker);

• Religious group;

• Solicitor;

• Next-of-kin.

Next, do you know whether the deceased held an organ donor card? If so, inform the doctor immediately (for more information on organ donation, see POST).

You must contact the Garda Síochána if the death occurred at home in Ireland. A coroner will be called if it was a sudden or unusual death. Do not be afraid or concerned if a coroner

is called. A coroner in Ireland is an independent official person with a legal responsibility to establish the ‘who, when, where and how’ of sudden or unexplained deaths. This may require a post-mortem examination, sometimes followed by an inquest.

Most people in Ireland responsible for arranging a funeral contact a funeral director for help with the arrangements. If you know that the deceased person left burial wishes with a particular undertaker or funeral planner, you should contact that undertaker or planner so they can put the deceased’s wishes into action immediately. Otherwise, you must now choose an undertaker or decide to make the funeral arrangements independently.

If it was the deceased’s wish to be buried, find out whether a burial plot has been pre-purchased and determine its exact location. If you are using a funeral director, they can help you with this. If not, contact the deceased’s solicitor or check their file where they kept important documents. If the deceased was a member of a religious group and you are not familiar with the traditions or rites that should be followed following their death, you should contact a representative of the group for guidance.

The deceased’s solicitor should be notified of the death of one of their clients so they can work on the legal implications of the death – in particular, to release any burial wishes or pre-arrangements noted in the person’s will. The will also specifies who is to serve as the executor or personal representative of the deceased. The executor is responsible for making sure that all creditors are paid, estate tax returns are filed and the remaining assets distributed according to the will. If the deceased died intestate (without a will), usually a surviving spouse, if there is one, or an adult child or parent will take on this role. Contact the next-of-kin, especially those abroad who may have to make travel arrangements. Close friends, relatives, neighbours, employers, classmates, and colleagues of the deceased should be notified as soon as possible. The best way to ensure that everyone is notified is to gather a small group of close relatives or friends of the deceased and ask them to start a ‘chain of calls’ to people in the wider community who need to know.

If the deceased person was employed, you will need to contact their employer.

If the deceased person was receiving a State pension, you will need to contact the Pensions Office. Others to notify in the days following a death include State authorities, the health service, insurance agencies and financial institutions. In most cases, you will need to provide a death certificate (see below) – usually an original, not a photocopy, so make sure you get plenty of certificates when

you register the person’s death – to prove the person’s death.

You also may need a letter from the deceased’s solicitor confirming that you are the executor (if that is the case) or have authority to act on behalf of the deceased.

To register a death, and to obtain a death certificate, which you will need later for all sorts of purposes, you must bring a medical certificate or death notification form issued by a doctor stating the cause of death to the local Registrar of Births, Marriages and Deaths. One exception is that, if you are the parent of a stillborn child, you are not legally obliged to register the death.

There is no charge to register a death that occurs in Ireland. Fees are charged for copies of the death certificate. Contact information for Registrars of Births, Marriages and Deaths throughout Ireland is also available on the HSE’s website (www.hse.ie) and from your Local Health Office.

Although not urgent, it is important to remember to:

• Inform the deceased person’s bank, building society or

credit union;

• Cancel any direct debits or standing orders that are no

longer required;

• Cancel reservations made by the deceased for holidays,

flights, theatre, etc and enquire about any refunds that

may be due;

• Change the name on the house deeds (the solicitor will

arrange this);

• If the deceased person was living in rented

accommodation, arrange to have the name on the

tenancy agreement changed or cancel the agreement;

• Change the name on household utility bills;

• Contact An Post to re-direct post to the executor or

solicitor or to hold it for collection at a later date.